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Leonard’s of Great Neck

I’m not the pretty sister. I’m not the smart sister
either. I am the funny one. I’ve been called that for so
long, for so many years, in fact, that all of my life I thought it
was one word: Funnyone.

If I had to die, and believe me, I don’t want to, but if I
had to choose a location, I’d want to die right here in the
ladies lounge at Leonard’s of Great Neck. It’s the
mirrors. I look slim-sational, even in 3-D. I’m no scientist,
but there’s something about the slant of the full length
glass, the shimmer of the blue marble counters and the golden light
of the pave chandeliers that creates an optical illusion turning my
reflection into a long, lean, pale pink swizzle stick.

This is my eighth reception (third as an attendant) at
Leonard’s La Dolce Vita, the formal name for our
family’s favorite Long Island wedding factory. Everyone I
know has been married here or, at least everyone I’m related
to.

My sisters and I made our debut as flower girls in 1984 for our
cousin Mary Theresa, who had more attendants on the dais than
guests at the tables. Our cousin’s wedding might have been a
sacred exchange of vows between a man and a woman, but it was also
a show, with costumes, choreography and special lighting
making the bride the star and the groom the grip.

Mary T. considers herself Italian-American royalty, so she had
the Knights of Columbus form a crossing guard for our entrance into
the Venetian Starlight Room.

The Knights were regal in their tuxedoes, red sashes, black
capes and tricornered hats with the marabou plumes. I took my place
behind the other girls in the procession as the band played
“Nobody Does It Better,” but I turned to run away as
the knights held up their swords to form a canopy. Aunt Feen
grabbed me and gave me a shove. I closed my eyes, gripped my
bouquet, and bolted under the blades like I was running for
sane.

Despite my fear of sharp and clanging objects, I fell in love
with Leonard’s that day. It was my first Italian formal. I
couldn’t wait to grow up and emulate my mother and her
friends who drank Harvey Wallbangers in cut crystal tumblers while
wearing silver sequins from head to toe. When I was 9 years old, I
thought Leonard’s had class. Never mind that from the passing
lane on Northern Boulevard, it looks like a white stucco casino on
the French Riviera by way of Long Island. For me, Leonard’s
was a House of Enchantments.

The La Dolce Vita Experience begins when you pull up to the
entrance. The wide circular driveway is a dead ringer for Jane
Austen’s Pemberley and also resembles the valet stand at
Neiman Marcus, outside the Short Hills Mall. This is the thing
about Leonard’s: everywhere you look, it reminds you of
elegant places you have already been. The two story picture windows
are reminiscent of the Metropolitan Opera House, while the tiered
fountain is strictly Trevi. You almost believe you’re in the
heart of Rome until you realize the cascading water is actually
drowning out the traffic on I–495.

The landscaping is a marvel of botanical grooming, with boxwood
sheared into long rectangles, low borders of yew, privet hedges in
cropped ovals, and bayberry sculpted into twirly ice cream-cone
shapes. The manicured shrubs are set in beds of shiny river stones,
an appropriate pre-motif to the ice sculptures that tower over the
raw bar inside.

The exterior lights suggest the strip in Las Vegas, but
it’s far more tasteful here, as the bulbs are recessed,
giving the place a low, twinkling glow. Topiaries shaped like
crescent moons flank the entrance doors. Beneath them, low meatball
bushes serve as a base for the birds-of-paradise, which pop out of
the shrubs like cocktail umbrellas.

The band plays “Burning Down The House” as I take a
moment to catch my breath in the ladies’ lounge. I’m
alone for the first time on my sister Jaclyn’s wedding day
and I like it. It’s been a long one. I’m holding the
tension of the entire family in the vertebrae of my neck. When I
marry, I will elope to city hall because my bones can take the
pressure of another Roncalli wedding extravaganza. I’d miss
the beer battered shrimp and the pate rillettes, but I’d
survive. The months of planning this wedding nearly gave me an
ulcer, and the actual execution bestowed on my right eye a
pulsating tic that could only be soothed by holding a frozen
teething ring I bogarted from cousin Kitty Calzetti’s baby
after the Nuptial Mass. Despite the agita, it’s a wonderful
day, because I’m happy for my baby sister, who I remember
holding, like a Capodimonte rose, on the day she was born.

I hold my martini-shaped evening bag covered in sequins (the
wedding-party gift from the bride) up to the mirror and say,
“I’d like to thank Kleinfeld of Brooklyn, who knocked
off Vera Wang to strapless perfection. And I’d like to thank
Spanx, the girdle genius, who turned my pear shape into a
surfboard.” I move closer to the mirror and check my teeth.
It ain’t an Italian wedding without clams casino dusted in
parsley flakes, and you know where those end up.

My professional makeup job provided (at half price) by the
bride’s best friend’s sister-in-law, Nancy DeNoia, is
really holding up. She did my face at around 8 o’clock this
morning, and it’s now suppertime but I still look fresh.
“It’s the powder. Banane by LeClerc,” my
older sister, Tess, said. And she knows: she was matte through two
childbirths. We have the pictures to prove it.

This morning, my sisters, our mother, and I sat on folding
chairs in front of Mom’s Golden Age of Hollywood mirror in
the bedroom of their Tudor in Forest Hills, pretty (almost) maids
all in a row.

“Look at us,” my mother said, lifting her face out
of her neck like a turtle. “We look like sisters.”

“We are sisters,” I reminded her as I
looked at my actual sisters in the glass. My mother looked hurt.
“ … and you … you’re our teen
mother.”

“Let’s not go that far.” My
sixty-one-year-old mother, named Michelina after her father Michael
(everyone calls my mom “Mike”), with her heart-shaped
face, wide-set brown eyes, and full lips glazed the color of a
terra-cotta pot looked smugly into the mirror. My mother is the
only woman I know who arrives fully made up for the makeup
artist.

The Roncalli sisters, minus our eldest sibling and our only
brother, Alfred (aka the Pill), and Dad (called Dutch), are an
open-all-night, girls-only club. We are best friends who share
everything with two exceptions: we never discuss our sex lives or
bank accounts. We are bound together by tradition, secrets, and our
mother’s flat iron.

The bond was secured when were small. Mom created ‘Just Us
Girls’ field trips; she’d schlep us to a Nettie
Rosenstein retrospective at FIT, or to our first Broadway show,
‘night, Mother. As Mom hustled us out of the
theater, she said, “Who knew she’d kill herself at the
end?” concerned that she’d scarred us for life. We saw
the world through Mom’s elegant opera glasses. Every year,
the week before Christmas, she took us to the Palm Court at the
Plaza Hotel for holiday tea. After we filled up on fluffy scones
smothered in clotted cream and raspberry jam, we’d take our
picture, in matching outfits, including Mom’s, of course,
under the portrait of Eloise.

When Rosalie Signorelli Ciardullo started selling mineral powder
makeup out of her trunk, guess whom Mom volunteered as traveling
models? Tess (dry), me (oily) and Jaclyn (sensitive).  Mom
modeled for the thirty to thirty-nine age group, never mind that
she was fifty-three years old at the time.

“All great artistes begin with a blank canvas,”
Nancy DeNoia announced as she applied pancake makeup the color of
Cheerios to my forehead. I almost said, “Anyone who uses the
word ‘artiste’ probably isn’t one,” but why
argue with the woman who has the power to turn you into Cher on the
reunion tour via the tools in her hand?

I kept quiet as she patted the sponge on my cheeks.
“We’re losing the schnoz …,” Nancy said,
exhaling her spearmint breath as she applied small, deliberate
strokes to the bridge of my nose. It felt exactly like the firm
pressure applied with an ice bag by Sister Mary Joseph of the MASH
unit at Holy Agony when I was hit by a line-drive baseball in
seventh-grade gym. For the record, Sister Mary J. said she never
saw so much blood come out of one person’s head in her life,
and she would know, as she had a hitch as a nurse in Vietnam.

Nancy DeAnnoying, like an architect, stood back and surveyed my
face. “The nose is gone. Now, I can salvage.”

I closed my eyes and pretended to meditate so Nancy might take
the hint and stop the play-by-play of my crap features. She picked
up a small brush, dipped it in ice water, and swirled it around on
an inky chestnut brown square. I felt my eyebrows tingle as she
painted on tiny hairs. I grew up on Madonna, and when she plucked,
I plucked. Now I’m paying for it.

My face felt cold and painterly until Nancy dipped a Kabuki
brush into the powder and buffed my skin in small circles, like the
wax-finish feature at Andretti’s car wash. When she was done,
I resembled a newborn puppy, all big, wet eyes and no nose.

In the ladies lounge, I’m taking one of many lipstick
time-outs because I actually eat at weddings. After weeks
of dieting to fit into my dress, I figure I deserve a round of pink
ladies, all the passed hors d’ouevres I can throw back, and
enough cannoli’s to leave a dark crater on the lazy Susan in
the center of the Venetian table. I’m not worried. I’ll
work all this food off dancing to the long-play version of the
Electric Slide. I fish the tube of lipstick out of my
purse. There is nothing worse than bare lips with a suction cup
tattoo of plum pencil around the rim. I fill in between the lines
where the color has faded.

My sisters and I have played a game since childhood; when we
weren’t dressing up as brides, we played Planning Our
Funerals. It’s not that my parents are morbid, or that
anything particularly horrible happened to us, it’s that
we’re Italian and therefore, tit for tat, it’s the law
of the Roncalli universe: for every happy thing, there has to be a
sad thing. Weddings are for young people and funerals are the
weddings of old people. Both, I have learned, take long-term
planning.

There are two unbreakable rules in our family. One is to attend
all funerals of any known persons with whom we have ever come in
contact. This mandate includes people we are related to (blood
relatives, family by marriage, and cousins of family by marriage)
but also extends beyond close friends to encompass teachers,
hairdressers and doctors. Any professional person who has rendered
an opinion or given a diagnosis of a personal nature makes the cut.
There is a special category for those who deliver, including
“Uncle Larry,” our UPS man who went quickly on a
Saturday morning in 1983. Mom pulled us out of school the following
Monday to drive us to his funeral in Manhasset.
“Respect,” she said to us at the time, but we knew the
real reason. She just likes to get dressed up.

The second rule of the Roncalli family is to attend all weddings
in order to dance with anyone who asks you, including icky cousin
Paulie who was kicked out of Arthur Murray for groping the
instructor (the case was settled out of court).

There’s a third rule: Never adknowledge Mom’s 1966
nose job. Never mind that her remodeled nose is a dead ringer for
Annette Funicello’s, while we, her biological children, have
the profiles of Marty Feldman. “No one will ever guess
… unless you tell them,” my mother warned us.
“And if anyone asks, you simply say that your father’s
nasal gene was dominant.”

“There you are!” My mother bursts into the lounge
like a frapped tangerine, all chiffon and feathers, as though
someone stuffed her ensemble into the blender and hit Crush.
“Aren’t these mirrors amazing?” Mom turns away
from the mirror and then looks over her shoulder to check the back
of her dress. Satisfied, she says, “I’m a sylph.
Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise, Jenny Craig works.
How’s your table?”

“The worst.”

“Oh, come on. You’re at the Friends’ table.
You’re supposed to—” and I hate when she does
this, but she does it anyway, makes two fists and egg beats them
“—liven things up.”

“Mom, please.”

“That toxic attitude is holding you back. It’s
spilling out of you like offshore oil.” My mother looks at me
as she applies her lipstick without looking in the mirror. She
snaps the silver cylinder shut. “You should have brought a
date if you didn’t want every couple we know offering up
their single sons to you like a meatball skewer.”

“The DelBoccios want to set me up with Frank.” I
lean against the wall and cross my arms because God knows I
can’t actually sit down in this dress. The Spanx would crush
my spleen.

“Fabulous news! See, it was kismet to seat you at the
Friends’ table.”

“Ma, Frank is gay.”

“Oh, you girls. You use that gay card every chance you
get. So what if the man’s forty-three and never married and
takes his mother’s entire mah-jongg club to the islands every
spring? That doesn’t automatically mean he’s gay.
Maybe, he’s just a straight man who happens to smell good,
knows how to dress, and talks to old people like they matter. Do me
a favor. Date Frank. Go dancing! Go to museums! Restaurants!
You’ll be dressed up and out on the town and having fun with
a good-looking fella who knows how to treat a woman! Party
hearty—now that’s the true meaning of the word
gay.”

Mom looks at me and whatever expression she sees on my face
melts her heart, and it has since I can remember. She’s on my
side and I am always aware of that. “You have so much to
offer, Valentine. I don’t want you to lose out. You’re
a winner! You’re funny!” My mother gives me a big hug.
“Now, let me look at you.” Mom puts her hands on my
face. “You’re a total original. Your big, beautiful
brown eyes are set just far enough apart. Your lips, thank God,
take after my side of the family. The Roncalli lips are so thin
they need Velcro to chew. And your nose, despite what Nancy said
today …”

“Ma, I’m okay.”

“She was rude. But I bit my tongue because there are two
people you should never argue with: make up artists and plumbers.
Either can ruin you. And your nose is perfect. You’ve got a
sleek bridge which is lovely in profile, and it’s straight,
where mine had a bump.”

I’m stunned my mother refers to The Operation. “It
did?” I’ve never even seen her old nose. There’s
only one photo of Mom’s face with the old nose in existence,
but it’s a group shot of her high school French Club and her
head is so small, it’s hard to see.

“Oh yes, there was a hideous bump. But you know, I looked
at that bump for exactly what it was. A glitch I could fix. There
are things in this life that you can fix. So fix them, then move
on.”

“Are you saying I need a nose job?”

“I wouldn’t touch it. Plus a tall person can carry a
nose. So be grateful that you got all the tall in the
family.”

“Thanks, Ma.” In the general population, five foot
eight is hardly tall, but in my family, I’m a giant
redwood.

Mom opens up her sequined martini purse and takes out an
atomizer of Dolce and Gabbana red cap and sprays it on the back of
her neck. “Want some?” she offers.

“Nah. I think I’ll go with my natural musk at the
Friends’ table.”

Mom raises her arm high and spritzes above her hair, a
croissant-shaped upsweep dotted with coral sequins, which,
depending upon your latitude and longitude under the dance floor
lights, could blind you for life.

When I was little I’d watch her transform in front of the
mirror before a night out with Dad. Efficient and organized, she
stood at her makeup table and surveyed her tools. She’d snap
open compacts, unscrew the tops off tubes and shake vials. Then,
she would think as she twisted the eyeliner pencil in the
sharpener. Eventually, a waxy chocolate brown S would fall
into the wastebasket. She’d take the pencil and smudge it
under her eye in preparation for the broad strokes. She would
select a brush and dip it into a palette of powder, and then, as if
she were Michelangelo painting the eyelash of a saint on the
ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, she’d make tiny brush strokes
on her brow bone.

“Is something wrong, Valentine?”

“No. I just love you. That’s all.”

“I can’t wait—” my mother begins, then
stops to think. “You know what, if you’re my only child
who remains single until old age, I will stand proudly with you all
the days of your life. If that’s what you
want.”

This might be what I like most about her. Mom believes being
single is an infirmity, the equivalent of missing a hand, but she
never makes me feel I have to agree with her. “Mom, I’m
happy.”

“You could be happier.”

“I guess that’s true.”

“Aha!” She points her finger at me. “You can
reinvent your life on your own terms. You don’t have to live
with my mother and make shoes.”

“I love my job and I love where I live.”

“I’ll never understand it. All I ever wanted to do
was move away. And I never wanted to be a shoemaker.”

Mom and I walk arm-in-arm back into the reception, looking like
two asteroids, one pink, the other bright orange, skimming through
this Tiepolo blue sky. Then I realize that’s not why the
guests are watching us. It must look like I’m holding my
mother up—therefore she’s either had too much to drink
or, God forbid, she’s old enough to need assistance. I can
practically hear the gears in my mother’s brain spin as this
realization dawns on her, too. Mom lets go of my arm with a
flourish, and does a full 360-degree pirouette in the center of the
empty dance floor. I bow from the waist as though we planned the
move. Mom gives me a youthful wave as she sashays over to the
Parents’ table, leaving me to return to the tyranny of the
Friends.

My sister’s brand new mother-in-law, Mrs. McAdoo, wears a
fussy corsage of purple roses, which hangs off her lilac crepe
dress like a ruby red tire. Mrs. McAdoo’s pale skin blends
into her hair, cut to her chin in a simple bob. My mother would
never allow a strand of white hair on her head. The only gray you
will ever find in direct proximity to my mother’s person is
the terrazzo floor in the foyer of our family home. “Matrons
belong in prisons! Besides, I don’t believe in going
gray,” my mother would say. “It’s an
advertisement for death. Go gray and you might as well say”
–as she beckons off in the distance— “come and
get me, Grim Reaper!” No, Mom is rich sable brown, now and
forever (or however long L’Oreal makes it).

I look around the room, 312 guests strong. Last night they were
a bunch of Post-its on a board in my mom’s kitchen, and
today, they’re at the table they have earned in our version
of Italian-American hierarchy: First tier: Parents, Friends, Close
Friends, Professionals, Co-workers, Cousins, Kiddies, Second tier:
In-laws, and third: the Island (relatives we aren’t speaking
to because something bad went down, never mind that we don’t
remember what), Rude (late responders) and Dementia (don’t
ask).

I must look lonely on the dance floor. Why didn’t I bring
a date? Gabriel offered, but I didn’t want him to feel
obligated to flap the chicken dance with cousin Violet Ruggerio in
this heat. How can it be out of all the people in this room, I
remain the only single person under forty? Sensing the inert shame,
my brother, Alfred, takes my hand as the music starts. It’s a
little weird to waltz with your only brother, with whom you share a
strained relationship, to “Can You Feel the Love
Tonight,” but I make the best of it. He is, after all a dance
partner, even if he is a blood relative. We take what we can get.
“Thanks, Alfred.”

“I’m dancing with all of my sisters,” he says,
as of he’s ticking off a to-do list for the mechanic at Midas
mufflers.

We sway for a few moments. I have a hard time making
conversation with my brother. “You know why God invented
brothers in Italian families?”

He takes the bait. “Why?”

“Because He knew that the single sisters needed someone to
dance with at weddings.”

“You’d better come up with a better joke for your
toast.”

He’s right, and I’m not happy about it. My brother
is thirty-nine years old, but I don’t see a middle-aged
father of two, I only see the persnickety boy who made straight
A’s and no friends in school. The only time his cranky mood
would lift was when the cleaning lady came on Thursdays and
he’d help her scrub the tile. This was when Alfred was the
happiest—when he had a brush in his hand and ammonia in a
bucket.

Alfred still has the same cowlick on the crown of his head and
the same serious countenance of his youth. He also has Mom’s
old nose and the thin upper lip of Dad’s side of the family.
He doesn’t trust anyone, including family and he can talk for
hours about the evils of the Media and the Government. Alfred is at
the ready with a doomsday report any day of the week. He’s
the first to call when a house is burning live on New York 1 and
the first to send mass e-mails when the bedbug infestation on the
East Coast is announced. He’s also an expert on all diseases
that run in families of Mediterranean descent (auto immune
disorders are his specialty). We spent last Christmas dinner
listening to his tutorial on pre-diabetes, which really made the
baba au rums go down smoothly.

“How’s Gram doing?” he asks.

I look over at our grandmother, my mother’s mother,
Teodora Angelini, who got stuck at the Dementia Table so she might
sit with her cousins and her last living sister, my great aunt
Feen. While Gram’s peers are hunched over their plates,
sorting through the walnuts on top of the salad, she sits upright,
with military posture. My grandmother is the lone red rose in a
garden of gray bramble.

With her bright red lipstick, two-piece red linen summer suit,
coiffed white hair and large octagon-framed glasses in jet black
tortoise, she looks like a gracious Upper East Side lady who has
never worked a day in her life. The truth is, the only thing she
has in common with those society matrons is her tailored suit. Gram
is a working woman who owns her own business. We’ve made
custom wedding shoes in Greenwich Village since 1903. “Gram
is doing great.” I tell him.

“She can hardly walk,” Alfred says.

“She needs knee replacements,” I tell him.

“She needs more than that.”

“Alfred. Except for her knees, she’s in excellent
shape.”

“Everything is always rosy with you.” Alfred sighs.
“You’re in denial. Gram is almost eighty years old and
she’s slowing down.”

“That’s ridiculous. I live with her. She runs rings
around me.”

“That wouldn’t be hard.”

And there it is. The Jab. I don’t want to fight at my
sister’s wedding, so I let go of him, but he goes on.

“Gram won’t be around forever. She should retire and
enjoy the kids. There’s a nice assisted-living place out by
us.”

“She loves the city. She’d die in the
suburbs.”

“I’m the only person in this family who can face the
truth. She needs to retire. I’m willing to buy her a
condo.”

“Aren’t you generous.”

“I’m not thinking about myself.”

“Then it would be the first time, Alfred.”

The law of the sibling jungle springs into effect.
Alfred’s tone, the look on my face, and the fact that
we’ve stopped dancing sends a silent alert out to my sisters.
Tess, sensing a fight, has come to the edge of the dance floor and
locks eyes with me. She shoots me the Need me? look.

“Thanks for the dance.” I turn my back on Alfred to
make my way to the Friends’ table, which is now empty because
everyone over the age of sixty stampedes the dance floor for an
up-tempo version of “After the Lovin’.”

I squeeze past Mom and Dad in the stampede. “It’s
our song!” Mom chirps as she holds Dad’s hand high in
the air like a May Day ribbon. They pull each other close as Mom
plants her cheek on Dad’s. They look like Siamese twins
joined at the blush line. Engelbert Humperdinck used to be my
mother’s favorite singer, until Andrea Bocelli provided the
first emotional catharsis of her life. She listens to Bocelli in
the car, drives around Queens, and weeps. Through her tears, she
says, “I don’t need a therapy because Andrea taps my
grief.”

I sit down at the empty Friends’ table, pick up my fork,
and stab my salad. I’ve lost my appetite. I put the fork down
and survey the crowded dance floor, which, when I squint, looks
like a pointillist painting of sequins, jet beads, and Swarovski
crystals on a canvas of lame‘.

“What did Alfred say to you?” Tess says, slipping
into the chair next to me. Tess, my older sister by a year and a
half, is a busty brunette with no hips. The bridesmaid gown gives
her the shape of a champagne glass. Despite her bombshell physique,
she is the brainiest of the three sisters, perhaps because Alfred
used her as his flash-card moderator from the time she was four
years old. Tess has Mom’s heart-shaped face, and the second
best nose in the family. Her wavy black hair matches eyelashes so
thick she never has to wear mascara.

“He implied I’m a loser.” I yank up the front
of my dress like I’m pulling a full Hefty bag out of a
trashcan.

“He told me that I’m a bad mother. He thinks I let
Charisma and Chiara run wild.”

I look over at the Venetian table, where seven-year-old Charisma
pokes a hole in a cannoli and hands it to five-year-old Chiara, who
blows out the filling. Tess rolls her eyes. “It’s a
party. Let them have some fun.”

“Alfred wants Gram to retire.”

“He’s on a campaign.” Tess checks her lipstick
in the butter knife. “You know, those assisted-living places
can be really nice.”

“Don’t tell me you agree with him!”

“Hey, I’m on your side.” Tess says gently.

“Every time Alfred brings it up, it’s like he stabs
me.”

“That’s because you care about Gram.” Tess
dips the knife in a butter rosette, then spreads it on what remains
of Bob Silverstein’s dinner roll. “And the shoe company
is your livelihood.” My sister looks weary, which tells me
she had the same discussion with Alfred and got nowhere.

I don’t want to ruin reception, so I change the subject.
“How’s your table?”

“Why did Ma spread us out like U.N. peacekeepers?
Doesn’t she get that we actually like each other and
want to sit together? Okay, maybe put Alfred and Clickety Click at
the Stuck-up table—”

“Call her Pamela. You want an in-law war?” I look
around to make certain there aren’t any in the area. Alfred
has been married to Pamela for thirteen years. She’s four
feet eleven and wears five-inch stilettos, even at the beach and,
rumor had it, during labor. We named her Clickety Click because
that’s the sound her heels make when she walks in rapid
little steps. “The petite inherit the earth. Nothing is more
alluring to a man than a woman who can fit in his
wallet.”

“I’d love to be tall like you.” Tess says
supportively. “At least you have gusto. Pam has no gusto.
Anyhow, they’re completely suited for each other. Alfred is
shut down and Clickety is positively bloodless. This
spoon—” Tess holds it up, “—has more
personality.”

Tess looks over at Charisma and Chiara who have taken black
olives out of the crudite dishes and placed them over their eyes.
The girls laugh as the olives roll off their faces and onto the
floor. Tess motions for them to stop. The girls scamper off. Tess
waves to her husband, Charlie, to watch the girls. He’s stuck
at the Rude table listening to the guests gripe about their lousy
seats near the kitchen.

“Look at Alfred’s boys.” I tell Tess.

Our nephews, Alfred Junior and Rocco, look like miniature
bankers with their bow ties and crisp napkins on their laps.

“I heard Pamela sent them to Good Manners and Me class at
Our Lady of Mercy. So well behaved.” Tess sighs.

“Do they have a choice?” I yank up the front of my
gown again. I check my watch. It feels like it’s been fifteen
years between the soup and salad. “Mr. Delboccio put his hand
on my ass.”

“Disgusting.” says Tess.

“To tell you the truth, with the Spanx on, I
couldn’t even feel it. I could sit on a hot griddle and I
wouldn’t know it.”

“So how do you know he took a feel?”

“The look on Mrs. Delboccio’s face. I thought she
was going to pick up the candelabra and beat him.”

“He probably had too much to drink. And it’s so hot
out. The liquor just goes right to the brain and pickles it.
Promise me you’ll get married in a blizzard.”

“I promise. I also promise to get married at city hall on
a Tuesday.”

“C’mon, you’d miss out on all of this.”
Tess turns in her chair and looks out on the sea of our relatives.
She turns back around. “Okay, city hall is fine. We’ll
wear suits. Day suits and wrist corsages.”

The tuxedoed wait staff pours out of the kitchen and through the
galley doors like chocolate chips into cake batter. With one hand,
they carry enormous silver trays loaded with plates covered in
metal hats. With their other hand they snap open metal racks and
place the trays on top of them. In quick succession, dinner plates
filled with succulent beef tenderloin, a delicate purse of whipped
potatoes, and spears of fresh asparagus are placed on the table. At
the sight of the food delivery, the dance floor empties instantly.
The guests return to their tables like a football team heading for
the locker room at halftime. Tess gets up. “Gotta go.
It’s the entrée.”

The Friends take their seats and nod approvingly at the plates.
The tenderloin is pricey, thus demonstrating a level of opulence,
which Italian Americans appreciate more than the dissolution of the
cold war and tubes of anchovy paste on demand.

“So, how’s it going at the shoe shop?” Ed
Delboccio asks. His bald head looks like the sterling-silver
platter hats the waiters have stacked in the corner. “Tell me
this. Does anybody even want handmade shoes anymore?”

“Absolutely.” I try not to snap, but I must have
since everyone at the table looks up at me.

“Don’t take offense.” Mr. Delboccio smiles.
“It’s just a query for discussion’s sake. Why
would anybody order custom made shoes when you can buy them cheap
at those outlet malls? Shirley here is a regular at those warehouse
sales. KGB…

“DSW,” his wife corrects him.

“Whatever. The point is, I’ve saved a lot of wampum
at those discount joints, believe me.”

Mrs. Delboccio nudges him. “For God sake, Ed, it’s a
different thing altogether. You don’t buy shoes from
Valentine like you buy them from Payless. They’re deluxe. And
Valentine works with Teodora, she’s …” She waves
her fork at me searching for a word.

“She’s a master and I’m her
apprentice.”

“You take care of your grandmother, too, don’t
you?” Mrs. Delboccio says.

“She takes care of herself.”

“But you live with her, which is so nice. You’re
giving up your freedom to take care of Teodora. That’s very
generous.” Mrs. Delboccio smiles, her lips pulled tight, like
the zipper on a change purse. Her magenta hair is piled high on her
head and sprayed to a shiny finish. She adjusts the bold
stampato gold necklace around her neck. Her purple nails
match her gown, which matches her shoes.

“In this day and age, it’s rare to find a kid who
will take care of an old person.” Mr. Delboccio says, leaning
toward me and breathing. His breath is a mix of cinnamon and
headcheese. Not awful, just refrigerated. “That’s why
I’m saving up. I’m going for one of those
assisted-living condos. I’m gonna have to pay for what my
parents and Shirl’s here got for free. When the time comes,
God forbid, I don’t think our kids will take us
in.”

Mrs. Delboccio shoots him a look.

“Well, they wouldn’t, Shirl. Face it.” Mr.
Delboccio takes his knife and pushes some potato onto the meat
already on his fork and pops it into his mouth.
“They’ve got their own lives. It’s not like our
generation. We took in all family members, regardless of their
mental status. I can’t see our kids doing the
same.”

“Why did you become a shoemaker?” Mrs. La Vaglio
asks. She’s a tiny blonde with the Linda Evans hair cut from
Dynasty. Still. The La Vaglio’s live in Ohio, so I
guess my story didn’t spread to the Midwest.

“I was teaching high school English in
Queens—” I begin.

“And then you had that bad break up with your boyfriend.
How many years did you go with him?” she interrupts. I guess
my story seeped into Ohio, after all.

“College and then some.” I’m not going to give
these people a timeline. They’d brand an L for Loser
on my forehead with the olive paste.

“Your first love.” Mrs. Delboccio looks at her
husband. “Ed and I have the same story, except we have a
different ending. I met him when I was eighteen. We were married at
24. And here we are.”

“You’re an inspiration to all of us,” I say,
oversalting my salad.

“Thank you.” Shirley says smugly.

“At the time, your mother was so worried about you.”
Sue Silverstein reaches over and pats my hand.

“There’s nothing to worry about. I love the twists
and turns my life has taken.” This is lovely. When my
parents’ friends have too much to drink, they tell me things
my mother won’t.

“A positive attitude is everything,” Max Silverstein
says, shaking his fork at me.

“You know, our son Frank is totally available.” Mrs.
Delboccio sips her wine. “He’s not gay.” She says
quickly. “He’s just picky.”

“Well, I’m looking for picky.” I force a
smile.

Mrs. Delboccio squeezes her husband’s thigh under the
table, so he’ll remember that I said something positive about
Frank.

“How long ago were you dumped?” Mr. Delboccio
asks.

“Ed!” His wife shrieks.

“Three years.” I mumble.

Mr. Delboccio whistles low. “Three years of your prime
time.”

“Are you seeing anyone now?” Mrs. La Vaglio
asks.

“If she was, she’d have brought him to the
wedding.” Mrs. Delboccio talks about me as if the wine
I’m guzzling is a magic potion that has made me
invisible.

“She could get a date. Look at her.” Mr. Delboccio
looks at my breasts as though they are two exotic fish swimming in
opposite directions in a tank. “She must want to fly
solo.”

“Let’s not worry about me,” I say, gritting my
teeth. “I’m fine.”

“Nobody said you weren’t.” Mr. Delboccio
finishes his bourbon and ice tea and clonks the glass down on the
table like an ax. I look around to the wait staff. Somebody cut
this guy off, will you? The waiter interprets my signal and brings
a gravy boat of jus instead. Mr. Delboccio takes it and
douses what’s left of his meat. “Valentine,
here’s the thing. As a woman, you got a window. A window of
opportunity where you got the face and the figure and the pep to
attract a man. Ergo, you got to grab a guy while the window is
open, because once it closes, bam, you’ve lost your chance,
and you’re in an airless closet. Alone. Okay? Oxygen is cut
off. No man can survive in there. Got it? Tick. Tock. A man can
always find a woman, but a woman can’t always find a
man.”

“Ed, no more bourbon for you.” Mrs. Delboccio moves
his glass. She looks at me apologetically. “Valentine has a
lot of life in front of her.”

“I never said that she didn’t. But you remember my
sister Madeline, who moved in with Ma when she got the brain tumor?
My poor mother afflicted with a tension headache that turned into a
cancerous mass overnight. Anyhow, how old was Mad back then? Thirty
at the most. She moved in, took care of Ma until she died, may she
rest in peace, and then Madeline stayed, where was she gonna go?
She was the spinster aunt.” Ed looks for his roll to butter.
He’s already eaten it so he reaches over and takes his
wife’s. “Every Italian family has one of
you.”

I open my mouth to disagree, but no words come out. Maybe
he’s right. I imagine my future in an old folks home for
single women. The TV room in the Roncalli Home for Singles would
have the heads of Phyllis Diller, Joan Rivers and Susie Essman
mounted over the fireplace. Big-game catches for girls who deliver
big laughs. The way this evening is going, I may have to reserve my
room sooner than I thought.

“Madeline was a saint. She took the burden off the rest of
us. Of course, we were raising children and had our own
lives.” Mrs. Delboccio smooths the napkin in her lap.

“Being single is a life.” Mrs. La Vaglio
pipes up.

The table falls to dead silence as the Friends saw their meat. I
look down at my watch. Anyone who believes time flies should come
and sit at the Friend’s table where the main course has
lasted longer than the Peloponnesian War. I’d do just about
anything to be stuck at the Rude table right now.

Mr. Delboccio leans over, practically peering down my gown.
“God meant for man and woman to pair off.” I lean back
and pull my dinner napkin up over my bodice and around my neck like
a dickey.

“How many shoes do you make a year?” Mr. Silverstein
wants to know, God bless him.

“Last year we made close to three thousand
pairs.”

“How big is the staff?”

“Three full time and four part time.”

“Wow, that’s a pretty healthy operation.” Mr.
Silverstein smiles approvingly.

The band plays the opening riff of “Good
Vibrations;” the Friends drop their knives and forks.
“Hi-yo, it’s the Beach Boys medley!” Mr.
Silverstein announces. They get up; the women adjust waist, hips,
and rears of their dresses, then head to the dance floor with the
husbands in tow.

I stretch out at the empty table and put my feet up. Tess slips
into the seat next to me as Dad deposits Aunt Feen at the Dementia
table. Dad surveys the room and then walks toward us at a clip.
He’s only 5 foot 6 but well proportioned, so he seems taller.
He has a thick head of salt-and-pepper hair, the prominent Roncalli
nose, and the tense lips of his people.

“Jesus Crimanee, I’m broiling.” Dad adjusts
his bowtie as though it’s a dial on an air conditioner.
“I just took Aunt Feen out for a cigarette and I thought she
was gonna have a stroke.” Dad sits down next to Tess.
“You know she still smokes a pack a day? Her lungs must look
like a spaghetti strainer. How you girls holding up?”

“Great,” we lie.

“Your mother wants me to sing ‘Butterfly
Kisses’ to your sister but I don’t know the song at
all.”

“Cut off her liquor. Or else she’ll sing ‘You
Gotta Get a Gimmick’ like she did at your
twenty-fifth.” Tess says.

“She had sciatica for months afterwards,” my father
says and nods, remembering.

“Don’t try and sing, Dad. Tell them to play the CD
and you can dance with Jaclyn instead.” I suggest.

“That’s what I said, but you know your mother, she
thinks weddings are an opportunity to hold auditions for
American Idol. I work for the parks department, not Simon
Cowell. Any Roncalli, Angelini or Coo-cootz off the street is
expected to get up there and sing. Any minute my brother’s
gonna get up and perform the first act of Man of La
Mancha. Trust me. He’s one gin and tonic away from
‘The Impossible Dream.’”

Our sister Jaclyn is breathtaking in a simple strapless bridal
gown with a fluffy tulle skirt. Her tiny waist twists as she
threads through the tables looking like an electric-mixer beater
dripping with white frosting.

Mom suggested that Jaclyn’s white peau de soie bodice be
piped with an iridescent mint colored ribbon to bring out her green
eyes. It was a brilliant move. Gram made Jaclyn a beautiful pair of
leather pumps in petal green. I buffed the leather until the green
was almost completely rubbed away leaving only a hint of antiqued
patina. From head to toe, my baby sister glitters like a
citrine.

Jaclyn plops down in Mrs. La Vaglio’s chair. She is a true
beauty, her delicate features in perfect proportion, framed by her
shiny black curls. “Was your meat tough?”

“No, no, no,” Dad, Tess and I chime.

“I needed a chainsaw on my filet.” Jaclyn fans
herself with the engraved menu card. “Valentine, you’re
gonna have to kill with the bridal toast.”

“No pressure here.” Tess says wryly as she surveys
the guests.

“Do me a favor. Make sure everybody at Gram’s table
has their Miracle-Ears turned on.” I feel sweat bead on my
forehead.

“Don’t let this bother you, but my mother-in-law
hates everything,” Jaclyn takes a sip of my ice water, then
puts the glass against her cheek. “Always with the comments.
Like the Irish know how to tell a funny toast. Please.”

Tess and I look at one another. The Irish invented the toast,
not to mention the well-told story, and they happen to be very good
at them.

“Watch yourself, Jac. Mrs. McAdoo is family now.”
Dad says. “ Be kind. The most important thing in life is
getting along with people. Without people, you’re alone. And
when you’re alone, you’re alone.” My father
whisks his index finger on the inside of his shirt collar like
he’s getting the last bit of face cream out of a jar.

“Everything will work out. It usually does.”
I’m biting my lip so hard; it’s giving me a
headache.

“Valerie! You’re on!” The bandleader points to
me.

“Valentine!” Tess and Jaclyn shout to correct
him.

“Whatever!” He waves the microphone at me like a
drumstick.

I look across the dance floor. The Best Man is by the drum set
chugging a fuzzy navel with a group of frat boys.

“Knock em dead!” Dad says cheerfully. Jaclyn and
Tess give me a thumbs-up with smiles peeled so wide open, they look
like they’re having their teeth bleached. I look over at
Alfred, who is giving a dissertation on gluten allergies to the
Cousins’ table.

“Good evening family and friends,” I slip the
microphone into its stand and adjust the height. I’m five
feet eleven in these three-inch heels. I’m not sure, but I
might be taller than the groom. I know for certain I’m taller
than anyone at the Friends table due to spinal disk collapse and
hipbone deterioration, which they discussed freely during the soup
course.

The chatter in the room dulls to a few lone voices, then
suddenly falls to silence. The only sound I hear is the whistle
between Aunt Feen’s dentures and her gums as she breathes.
“I’m Valentine Roncalli, a sister of the
bride.”

“We know who you are!” Lorraine Pinuccia shouts from
the remote Island table, so far away her wave resembles a distress
signal.

Tess raises up out of her chair slightly and shoots Pinooch a
dirty look. I look over at my mother, who has a smile of support
plastered to her face identical to the one she had when I blew my
line as the “Gloria in Excelcius Deus” angel in the
kindergarten Christmas pageant in 1980. “You can’t help
me now, Ma,” I want to shout to her, but she looks
embalmed.

“Well, thank you Cousin Pinooch. You know we’re now
the Roncalli-McAdoo family and maybe the McAdoos haven’t met
us all yet,” I explain. It could be the sweat in my eyes, but
I think Boyd McAdoo, the thrice-divorced electrician brother of my
new brother-in-law is leering at me, another reason to cut this
short. “God was in his heaven,” I begin “ …
and decided that it was time to create a country … he wanted
to create a great country, with gorgeous vineyards, and lush fields
and glorious sunsets—”

“The first country!” My father bellows as he makes a
number one in the air with his pointer finger.

“Dad. Please. You might want to save your upper register
for ‘Butterfly Kisses.’” I dive back into the
story. “God knew He wanted to call it Italy.” My
dad’s brother, the eternally inappropriate Uncle Sal, yanks a
rose from the centerpiece at the Parents table and stands, waving
it like a flag. “Viva Italia Sempre!” he
cries.

Mr. McAdoo stands and yanks another rose from the centerpiece.
“To the Emerald Isle!” he counters.

“E pluribus pizzazz!” my mother heckles.

“To the world!” I raise my arm high in the air to
include all global humanity.

Tess applauds. Alone. “Anyhow …” I continue,
God had to fill Italy with people, and he wondered, ‘Shall I
create woman first? Or shall I create man first?’ The debate
went on for several months until He decided. I shall create women
first so they can have dinner ready for the men.”

Gram, Tess, Jaclyn, Mom and Dad take a beat then look around,
finally, in solidarity, they force their laughs. The remaining
guests sit in a blue pool of silence lit by low votive candles,
which makes them look like out-of-work circus performers in a
Fellini movie.

“All right then.” I regroup. “Do you know why
God created brothers in Italian families? Because he knew their
single sisters needed somebody to dance with at weddings.”
The self-deprecating humor goes over worse than the pointed joke. I
am dying up here. It’s so quiet in this room, I can hear the
ice melt in Len Scatizzi’s rum and Coke.

Mr. Delboccio, the fanny feeler, shouts, “I asked you to
dance, Valentine.”

“She said her feet hurt,” his wife pipes up.
“Of course, why would a shoemaker’s feet hurt?
Doesn’t make sense.”

“Regardless. I’m not gonna force,” Mr.
Delboccio retorts.

“You should never force,” Mrs. Delboccio snipes
back.

“Okay, you two. Let me hang up this routine so you can get
back out on the floor and show us youngsters how it’s done. I
believe the Neil Diamond medley is next.” And then I do the
very thing I hate, I make two fists and egg beat them. Just like
Mom.

“Youngster? Where? At thirty-three years old, you’re
no spring chicken,” Aunt Feen shouts from the Dementia table.
Then, she makes a hissing sound with her upper plate for
punctuation. She looks around the room, her eyes rolling around in
their sockets like frantic golf balls. Then she bellows,
“Thirty-three! Maddone! That’s how old Jesus
was when he died on the cross.”

“People only lived to be forty back then,” Tess
hollers back.

“What the hell does that have to do with anything?”
Aunt Feen’s thick white eyebrows twist into one lone tube
sock across her forehead. “That’s even worse. That
means at thirty-three she’s really got one foot in
the grave and the other on a rag rug.”

“All right. Stop it. Or we’re cutting off your
sidecars. Here’s the best I got. A couple of weeks ago my Dad
went to the doctor. He took Mom along to do the talking
…”

A few giggles rise from the tables.

“ …and the doctor says, ‘Dutch, you’ve
got bursitis. Now, I can do one of two things. I can give you a
shot of cortisol. But you don’t need it. Your body produces
it naturally.’ ‘It does?’ My dad was amazed. The
doctor said, ‘All you have to do is have sex.’ My
father and the doctor look at my mother and she says, ‘Doc,
I’m not the one with bursitis.’

The room bursts into applause. “Please raise your
glasses,” I realize that I don’t have a drink. The best
man slaps his sweaty half-empty fuzzy navel into my hand.

I raise the tumbler high. “Tom, welcome to our family.
Jaclyn, you are beautiful and we love you and we’re here for
you. Salute! Cent Anni!” I take a sip, defying my
better judgment and standing orders from the board of health.
“And folks, don’t forget the goody bags. There’s
Aramis cologne for the men and Li-Lac chocolates for the
girls!”

“Chocolate? In this heat?” Monica Spadoni barks from
the Rude table. “They should give us miniature stadium fans.
Of course, we’re back here by the kitchen where they’re
broiling meat!”

I ignore her, slip the microphone out of its stand and give it
to the best man who looks through me, as boys do when a spinster is
chaperoning a sock hop. After a few more toasts and the cake
cutting I go to the Dementia table where Gram is dipping a biscotti
into her espresso. I lean over the back of her chair and whisper in
her ear.

“Are you having fun?”

“Ready when you are. Let me just say goodnight to the
kids.” Gram puts her beaded clutch on the table and pushes
her chair back.

I go to the cake trolley and stand next to my mother. I put my
hand on her shoulders. “Ma.”

My mother the mind reader frowns. “You’re
leaving?”

“Gotta get Gram home.”

“So soon?”

“Ma. All we’ll miss is the great aunts forming a
line like Vestal virgins in a Charlton Heston movie to fight over
the center pieces.” Tomorrow every grave of my forefathers
from Bayshore to Sunnyside will be decorated with wedding flowers.
Italians never waste a floral arrangement. It’s a sin.

“Thank you.” Mom takes me in her arms. “I love
you, Valentine. Thank you for taking such good care of my
mother.”

“Do me a favor.” I ask her.

“Anything.” She says.

“Don’t make Dad sing ‘Butterfly
Kisses.’”

Mom throws her shoulders back. “You people are no
fun.”

Gram comes up and gives Mom a quick kiss. Mom tucks a piece of
wedding cake wrapped in a napkin into my purse. Alfred, Jaclyn, and
Tess gather round, taking turns saying good-bye to Gram. Finally,
after we’ve kissed the last cousin twice removed we are free
to go.

Gram and I make our way out of the Starlight Venetian Room to
the lobby, through the grand foyer with its vaulted ceiling, past
walls covered in cranberry-and-gold-flocked wallpaper, past the
inlayed marble fireplace, and finally, under the twinkling
chandeliers to the entrance foyer.

Gram takes a goody bag off the table for me and then takes one
for herself. We hear the sexy, opening swing chords of “Oh
Marie” as the band plays us out into the balmy night. We
climb into our car and settle back in the seat. The driver turns
and looks at us. “Early night, girls?”

Gram says, “Manhattan, please.”

We look at one another and smile. At last, we’re going
home.

Excerpted from VERY VALENTINE © Copyright 2011 by Adriana
Trigiani. Reprinted with permission by Harper Paperbacks. All
rights reserved.

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