Subj: Help, please

Date: 09-14
From: [email protected]
To: www.bcancer.org/support/L.board/htmI

I hope I'm in the right place. Actually that's not true. I hope I'm not in the right place at all. See, it's like this: I found a lump in my left breast this morning, and basically, I'm a wreck. I can't focus. I can barely even function. So far I've managed to burn my hand on the coffeemaker, finish a load of laundry (only to realize sometime during the spin cycle that I never added the detergent), and most recently, on one of my seemingly endless trips to the bathroom, I noticed that I put on my underwear inside out. Under normal circumstances I might find all of this funny. But these aren't normal circumstances and I'm not laughing. Trust me.

I've already made an appointment to see my gynecologist -- only it's not for another two weeks. I don't know how I'll make it till then. I'm trying not to, but I keep imagining the worst -- which is probably why I'm posting this message on your bulletin board for breast cancer. I know that it looks like I'm jumping the gun, but what I'm really looking for are some reassurances that it's not cancer -- and that I don't belong here. Is there someone out there who can tell me something that will make me feel better? Anyone? Anything? I'd really appreciate it.

Subj: re: Help, please
Date: 09-14
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
message ID: 199&[email protected]

Dear cre8f1:

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you are indeed in the wrong place. Statistically, the odds are that you're perfectly fine, since most lumps turn out to be completely benign. Still, you're smart to check it out, just in case. In the meantime, I know it's hard, but try not to think about it for the next two weeks. There's nothing, you can do, anyway. Keep us posted.

Margie

Subj: re: Help, please  
Date: 09-14  
From: [email protected]  
To: [email protected]  
message ID: 199%[email protected]  

On 09-14 [email protected] wrote:  
>I don't know how I'll make it till then.

Oh, you'll make it. Your fingers may be burned to a crisp, and you may be wearing dirty laundry, but you'll make it.

Obviously, I just finished reading your post. Don't be mad, but you made me laugh. It reminded me of how I felt when I found my lump. My mouth went dry, my hands started shaking, and my heart was pounding so fiercely that I don't know if I was more afraid of having breast cancer or of having a heart attack. (20/20 hindsight leaves me wishing it was a heart attack. Kind of.) Anyway, that was two years ago. Obviously, my lump turned out to be cancer. (Why else would I be reading the BC bulletin board two years later?) I wound up having a lumpectomy, chemo and radiation. I am happy to report that since then, I've been completely healthy. (Feel free to get up from your computer, find something made of wood and give it a good hard knock for me.)

So you--who wears her underpants inside out -- do you have a name? I'm Sue. And the best advice I can give you is to see your gyno sooner. Waiting two weeks will only make it worse. Call your doctor's nurse, tell her you're a mess, and beg her to squeeze you in. Fake-cry if you have to. It worked for me. :- )

Subj: re: Help, please  
Date: 09-14  
From: [email protected]  
To: [email protected]  
message ID: 199%432.0%#[email protected]

Hi. Welcome to the club. I hope you're right and yours is a mistaken membership. If not, remember these things:

1. Early detection is everything.
2. There are a lot of women out here to give you support.
3. Positive thoughts really do make a difference.
I will pray for you.
Daniella

Subj: Thanks  
Date: 09-15  
From: [email protected]  
To: www.bcancer.org  
message ID: 199%90.0&[email protected]

Thank you, ladies, for all of your responses. You've helped me calm down (a bit), and I truly appreciate your kind words. I promise to let you know what happens. Be well.  

Subj: Do You Mind?
Date: 09-15
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]

Dear Sue,  

Thank you for responding to my message on the breast cancer bulletin board. I'm writing to you directly -- I hope you don't mind. But the truth is, I really don't feel comfortable posting my life on the Internet for the entire world to see, Maybe that's why I (subconsciously) neglected to give my name. Or maybe it's because by being anonymous this whole thing is somehow not as real. Weird, I know, but this whole thing is weird.  

Three women (including you) responded to my letter about my lump. In spite of my somewhat hysterical state, your message made me laugh, especially when you wrote that I should call my gyno and fake-cry to get an earlier appointment. That sounds like the same kind of good, solid advice I would give to someone in my predicament -- if only I could think straight.  

Anyway, you sound like someone I can talk to, and that's really what I need right now. That, and some information from someone who's been through what I'm going through. (I know what you mean about the heart pounding. If I didn't know better, I'd swear that I could actually hear mine beating.) I'm trying really hard to remain calm, but I'm not having much success -- otherwise I would not have just banished my 11 -year-old daughter to her bedroom for the next 11 years.  

Do you mind if I pick your brain a bit?  

Over the years I've read countless magazine articles about breast cancer. In fact, if I could remember a fraction of what I've read, I think I'd be in pretty good shape. But my brain feels fuzzy, and I'm having trouble separating what I think is true from what I want to be true. Here's what I mean:  

First, I'm only 38. (I'll be 39 next month.) Doesn't breast cancer happen to women who are older? Second, there is no history of breast cancer in my family. None. And third, my lump does not hurt at all. I mean, if it's cancer, it should cause me some kind of discomfort, even just a little twinge, shouldn't it? I'm thinking these are all good things, right?  

I appreciate your taking the time to answer my questions. And by the way, I'm Lara. (Rhymes with Sarah.)