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Pamela Holm, an essayist from San Francisco who has been widely published in a variety of periodicals, can now add the title of memoirist to her resume. Her first book --- a nonfiction memoir --- is called THE TOASTER BROKE, SO WE'RE GETTING MARRIED. TOASTER is Holm's comic recollection of planning her marriage to live-in beau Denzil, the man who has accepted her, her eccentricities, her sloth, her record collection, and her teenage daughter.
Her story is all-too-familiar to any woman who has said "yes" to "will you marry me?" No sooner has she responded in the affirmative than the torturous staging of the event begins. A flood of tasks overcomes her, and it takes all of her skills (humor, reflection, deflection, among them) to keep afloat of the tidal wave of expectation and ritual: "Think about the date, and the place, and your dress, and the ring, and your hair, and the music, the food, cake, guests, invitations..." Can't you see her arms flailing and hear her gasps for air as the drowning ensues?
First there's the date. According to Holm's mother, Dr. Laura Schlessinger says, "don't move in with him until you have a ring and a date." Hardly someone she consults on matters of the heart, Holm quickly dismisses the first so-called "rule" as "too late." Oh, well. Turning to bridal magazines, rules are popping off the pages at her. She writes, "Everything has its specific protocol. Right ways and wrong ways. How to word your invitation, how much you should spend on your bridesmaid's gifts, the right way to arrange the seating for the reception, what to wear to your rehearsal dinner." Stomping her feet, Holm declares she'll be different, she'll rebel, break all the rules, do things her way, not be constrained by societal ritual, and we readers all nod knowingly.
It's not long before a $4,000 wedding dress that seems to have been designed specifically for her shape, and color, and age, and taste, has the cynic saying words she never thought she'd hear herself utter: "yes, yes, yes, I want the dress. I don't care how much it costs, money is no object, this is for my wedding day, this is something I'll do only once, not counting the first time. I want to live in the dress, I want to wear it home right now. I want the glass slippers that go with it, and a coach pulled by enchanted mice." Who cares if the dress costs more than her secondhand car? Well, ultimately, she does.
Holm's TOASTER is a comical commentary on how brides often get caught up in the trimmings of the wedding, while ignoring the larger issues of the marriage ahead. She catches herself on more than one occasion reflecting on her first disastrous marriage and wedding (seven months pregnant, wearing a gown that sounds like a patchwork of my grandmother's lace doilies, father arriving drunk) and wondering if she's making a second mistake. She lists the numerous past boyfriends, their faults, her faults, and why the relationships were ultimately doomed. And, yes, the little things about Denzil that once mildly irritated her are now magnified 10 fold in the light of the anxiety she is experiencing.
Holm is at once hilarious and more than a little brave, especially when she touches upon the green monster that raises its ugly head whenever the subject of his previous marriage comes up. (A hint, gentleman: if you're marrying for a second time, don't wear the same tux you wore to the first ceremony. She won't go for it.) And kudos to the people in Holm's life who, one, survived the planning of the wedding, and two, allowed her to write about the good, the bad, and the ugly. This is not a how-to manual, but Holm, irreverent and funny, does drop some wonderful reminders about the spirit of marriage that aren't to be missed by would-be brides, and even seasoned wives.
--- Reviewed by Roberta O'Hara
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