|
INTRODUCTION
As we enter the new millennium, there are more women than ever in the workforce, in
positions of power, being elected to public office, and playing central roles in major
industries. We admire those who are at the very apex of their careers, women who have
beaten the odds and remained ladies. Our most-admired Hollywood star is not a male action
hero but the genteel leading lady Julia Roberts. Our number-one talk show host, Oprah
Winfrey, is not a sleaze peddler but a paragon of compassion and social consciousness. And
two of the best athletes in the world are teenage sisters Venus and Serena
Williams—ladies who have revived the game of tennis with a supernatural combination
of strength, grace, and style.
Aside from their remarkable achievements, these women also shine for the way they conduct
themselves in many aspects of their lives—with grace, dignity, and a constant
awareness of how their behavior impacts others. They’re living proof that how
we succeed is just as important as success itself.
Unfortunately, though, in this time of enormous prosperity and infinite possibilities,
we’ve become socially lazy. These women are very much the exceptions, not the rule.
In our culture today, we place an increasingly high premium on professional success,
earthly possessions, and outward appearance—at almost any price. The media gives us
what we allegedly want: stories ad nauseam about celebrities’ new looks, new
mansions, new lovers, and trips to rehab and jail (not necessarily in that order). And
let’s not forget those chart-topping TV shows like Who Wants to Marry a
Millionaire?, Survivor, and Temptation Island — programs that unabashedly
glamorize greed and betrayal. While some conscientious public figures try valiantly to
shine their spotlights on people who do good, we are still far more fascinated by the
tawdrier side of life. The culture of fame and consumption is upon us.
Then there’s our private lives. Women have made great social progress in the last
forty years (and it’s nothing to sneeze at!). With the positive change though also
came some confusion: it seemed that anything at all went . . . for men as well as women.
What kind of world are we living in if the most intimate and personal details of an affair
between an intern and the leader of the free world can become the subject of after-dinner
conversation for everyone on the planet . . . when we have been told to behave like men in
the workplace to get ahead and are still expected be the perfect combination of Martha
Stewart and Pamela Anderson when we get home (who wouldn’t be confused?).
The advent of feminism brought many welcome changes, from a woman’s right to work and
receive equal pay to her being able to choose whether or not to be a mother. It also gave
us the opportunity to select our partners based less on their ability to provide and more
on their character. These changes called into question many basic ways in which men and
women interacted on a daily basis, leaving many of us uncertain whether it was gracious or
insulting to open a door for a woman. We applaud the early feminists—we wouldn’t
be where we are today without their struggles for equality—and questioning those
behaviors pointed out something important: that how women respond to them is more
significant than the tradition that mandated them. But we believe that it’s now safe
to evaluate some of these old chestnuts from the vantage of the progress we’ve made.
We feel it’s silly not to trust women to be able to tell the difference between a
courteous gesture and being treated like a helpless maiden.
There’s also the simple fact that the pace of life is a lot faster. In this day of
“Be all that you can be,” “Every woman for herself,” and “She who
dies with the most toys wins,” there’s no denying we’ve lost sight of some
of the more noble attributes that used to be held in high regard, particularly among
women, such as: dignity, discretion, courtesy, humility, and social consciousness.
Qualities that the women we hold up as examples today possess in abundance. Qualities that
our mothers were speaking of when they told us to behave like ladies.
* * *
We know what you’re thinking: why on earth are we dusting off such a seemingly
prissy, nineteenth-century term to describe our ideal for the twenty-first-century woman?
Some of our closest, smartest friends balked at the word when we first told them about
this book. But we thought more about it. The word lady is supposed to be the female
equivalent of the word gentleman. Though most of our male friends aren’t
landed gentry, they know what we mean when we call them gentlemen, and they know it’s
the highest of compliments. Then we thought of the women who come to mind when we think of
the word lady. Women of style and substance—women we admire and who
inspire us. The more we thought about it, the more we realized that no other word captured
exactly what we were after. Whether a woman is Jane Doe or as famous as Katie Couric or
Gwyneth Paltrow, living gracefully, as a lady, brings her admiration and respect from
others—and that’s where the power comes in.
In fact, the word lady has already begun making its own comeback. Ladies First
is the title of a hit song and best-selling advice book by rap artist, talk show host, and
actress Queen Latifah. In describing soccer star Mia Hamm and her World Championship U.S.
Women’s Soccer teammates, sports commentators frequently used the word ladies,
referring to their remarkable off-the-field conduct as well as their playing. Foot Locker
created an ad campaign of women athletes captioned with one word: ladylike.
These examples illustrate perfectly the kind of ladies we mean. So if you still think a
lady is a snob, a prude, or a doormat, try telling that to Queen Latifah. Which makes the
need for this book apparent—with the word lady being tossed out as much as it
is, we feel it needs to be defined once and for all in a way that reflects our
independence, our new challenges, our achievements, and our modern attitudes toward
relationships, sex, work, parenting, and our places in the world.
In other words, we wanted to make the word lady—and the values it stands
for—relevant again, and show its importance for all women. So we did some
research of our own. We interviewed and surveyed women of all ages, professions,
backgrounds, and ethnicities about what being a lady means to them—at work, in
relationships, at home, in their communities. We created an online survey and forwarded it
to our friends, asking them to e-mail it on. Nearly two hundred women took part: women
from locales as diverse as New York City, Los Angeles, New Orleans, St. Louis, and
Seattle, as well as a multitude of rural and suburban areas. Our survey respondents were
single mothers, former welfare recipients, actresses, politicians, massage therapists,
newscasters, writers, artists, lawyers, teachers, librarians, students, activists,
secretaries, social workers, and more. What they all had in common was that they answered
“yes” to the survey’s first question: “Do you consider yourself a
lady?” Their thoughtful and candid responses play a large part in the book.
Being a lady is not about having the best designer clothes; drinking a wine spritzer
instead of what you really want (like a Guinness on tap); batting your eyes and playing
coy instead of using your brains and wit to flirt; taking your boss’s shortcomings
lying down; or pretending to be fulfilled by less than enough.
It is about standing up for what you believe in, being true to yourself, showing an
appreciation and regard for others, and seeing beyond the superficial junk we are fed
every day of our lives. It’s a tall order, but certainly not impossible, as you will
read.
When you leave this world, you are not going to be remembered for your fabulous wardrobe,
how many cars you had, or your ability to still fit into the jeans you wore in high
school. You’re going to be remembered for what you contributed to your world, however
small or large. You’re going to be remembered for being a real lady.
So go ahead and turn the page. But check your preconceived notions at the door. Our kind
of lady is not what you might expect.
Excerpted from THE ART AND POWER OF BEING A LADY © Copyright 2001 by Noelle Cleary and Dini von Mueffling. Reprinted with permission by Grove Press. All rights reserved.
Back to top.
|
