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A large body of work exists for women and children on dealing with the death of a
parent, but there hasn't been much for men. With FATHERLOSS we have a timely work on how
men grieve after their fathers die.
When one of Neil Chethik's columns in his syndicated VoiceMale drew an overwhelming
response, he decided to research the impact the death of a father has on a son. He states
that sons lose their fathers at the rate of 1.5 million times a year, yet we know so
little about how this loss affects them. For the next several years, Chethik conducted
in-depth interviews with more than 70 men and did extensive telephone surveys with 376 men
under the advisement of Dr. Robert Kastenbaum, a bereavement specialist at the University
of Arizona. The result is FATHERLOSS.
The death of a parent, even when expected, always comes as a surprise. In our society it
has always been understood that women grieve more openly than men. However,that is not to
say that men and boys feel the loss any less. As the result of Chethik's interviews, men
are allowed to speak of the pain and turmoil they felt, often for years, after the death
of their fathers. Chethik distills how sons at different ages handle this; some men who
lost their fathers at very early ages felt their lives take a turn for the worse.
Throughout FATHERLOSS, there are stunning portraits of how world famous men, known for
their strength and stoicism, have dealt with the deaths of their fathers. For example,
Chethik writes of Michael Jordan's retirement from basketball and subsequent switch to a
short career in baseball after the sudden death of his father. He recounts Ernest
Hemingway's references in letters and short stories of his own father's death by suicide.
We learn of the pain John Quincy Adams felt when entering his father's bedroom after his
death and how, after his term in office as president ended, he was elected to the House of
Representatives instead of retiring as he had planned --- his father's death inspired him
to continue his work in the antislavery campaign.
Without a doubt, one of the best pieces of advice Chethik offers to fathers is for them to
tell their sons and daughters that they love them unconditionally. Those three words,
"I love you," are the words that men too frequently miss hearing from their
fathers.
FATHERLOSS is one of the most readable and sensitive books on the subject of how boys and
men approach the death of their fathers. Included are several important appendices: the
survey Chethik used in his research, a list of organizations dealing with death, and a
comprehensive list of films about fathers and their children.
An important addition to the collection of books on coping with grief and bereavement,
FATHERLOSS fills an empty spot on the shelf. I strongly encourage both men and women to
experience Neil Chethik's insightful wisdom in FATHERLOSS. The lack of fluffy, feel-good
psychobabble is refreshing.
Neil Chethik is a writer and journalist on the psychological characteristics of men. From
1992 to 1996, his popular syndicated column, VoiceMale, appeared in 35 newspapers.
He is a motivational and workshop speaker and lives in Kentucky.
--- Reviewed by Mary Louise Rohner
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