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"It's a foretaste of death. It's a trip to the country of nothingness. Reality
loses its substance and becomes ghostly, transparent, unbelievable," such is a
description of depression by Susanna Kaysen, one of 22 writers in UNHOLY GHOST. This
volume of essays uncovers many facets of the dark disease that destroys or dampens the
lives of millions of adults.
These colorful writers take you through episodes of blackness in their or their family's
lives. Virginia Heffernan tried to blame low feelings on previous decisions that lead her
to her present world. Then she tried to turn invisible --- changed her hair color to drab,
dressed down, muffled her voice, kept her eyes and head downcast. This feeling of being
absent, invisible, or just thin inhabits many of the writers at low-spirited times.
Several authors have memories of being depressed from a very young age. From before the
age of eight, Chase Twichell recalls, "I knew I wasn't normal --- at school there was
clear glass between me and the playground, me and my young fellow humans."
Often the depressive never know what well-being is. Susanna Haysen believed the
pessimistic and depressive view was the real one of the world. She goes so far as to say
that happiness could occlude her view of the world, and depression allowed a clear view.
How could happiness appear natural to someone who knows no pleasure and experiences the
dark side alone?
Medications and antidepressants are balm to some depressives and a curse to others. From
St. John's Wort to lists of Prozac-similar drugs, choices are made. Some drugs are
untouchable, a bedevilment to the body, others a savior. Medications work because the
body's chemicals are imbalanced. "It's like a game of telephone, the message gets
lost as it travels, eventually affecting cellular metabolism…" says Twichell,
who also related his being and thoughts to what pill he was currently taking.
Lauren Slater, balanced on Prozac, wanted a child. The doctors played risk/benefit,
deformity of the child versus Slater's mental stability. Her fear of the child's deformity
won. She stopped her medication. Soon her depression became intolerable and began to talk
--- how can you care for a baby if you can't care for yourself? Back on the medicine she
went.
Sometimes life crashes before help arrives, and death seems imminent. Darcey Steinke found
safety in her poodle bed, a quilt swathed around her in the dark or in a closet. "I
felt like I had been found incompetent and fired from my own life." At times, fear of
harming one's self or of wanting to die approach. Edward Hoagland says, "I emerged
from a bad dip into suicidal speculation, I felt utterly exhausted and yet quite fearless
of ordinary dangers, vastly afraid of myself but much less scared of extraneous
eventualities."
Family members of depressives believe they comprehend until, as in Russell Banks's
situation, he realized that his wife was not in charge of the depression; it was its own
entity controlling her. Then he knew he could not "claim to feel another person's
pain --- unless…[he's] willing to become that person." But love and support is
invaluable.
Happiness is fleeting and to the depressive nothing about this is a surprise. Writing can
be their salvation. Lee Stringer remarks that "it seems to me that at least half of
what life has to teach us must come from bouncing off a few rocks." The depressed
seem to have more rocks to smash on, as the illness doesn't allow for a cheerful bounce.
Sometimes life is a stable unhappiness until the next hard spot presents itself.
For David Karp, "At age fifty-five, I have surrendered myself to depressive illness.
I do not believe I will ever be free of it. For me, depression is a kind of mental
arthritis…" As with arthritis, we take the pills when one works; use writing
therapy; have supportive families; and live with depression --- until a cure is
discovered. And hope we don't pass it on to our children.
This dark illusion of a shadow of life, or a shadow of death, is an eye-popper for those
who think they understand the depressed, and an important study for the family of anyone
who lives around these echoes of despair.
--- Reviewed by Nancy B. Leake, (nbsleake@yahoo.com)
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