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One The Hanged Man
It's the last Monday of the month, a brutally gorgeous morning brimming with blue
air and the sweet scent of honeysuckle which grows wild in the woods beyond Front Street,
when Ethan Ford fails to show up for work. On this glorious day, the brilliant sky is
filled with banks of motionless white clouds, fleecy as sheep, but so obedient and lazy
they haven't any need of a shepherd or a fence. June in New England is a peerless
month, with long days of glittering sunlight and roses unfolding. This is the season when
even the most foolish of men will stop to appreciate all that is set out before him: the
creamy blossoms of hollyhocks and English daisies; the heavenly swarms of bees humming
like angels in the hedges, hovering over green lawns trimmed so carefully it can seem as
though the hand of all that's divine has leaned down to construct a perfect
patchwork, green upon green, perfection upon perfection.
On any other day, Ethan Ford would have already been hard at work, for in the town of
Monroe, Massachusetts there is not a more reliable man to be found. On the chain that he
carries, he has the keys to many of the local houses, including the Howards' on
Sherwood Street and the Starks' over on Evergreen. For the better part of a month,
Ethan has been remodeling both homes, renovating a kitchen for the Howards, installing a
second bathroom for the Starks, a family whose three daughters are known for their
waist-length hair, which takes half an hour to shampoo, so that there is always a line in
the hall as one or another of the Stark girls awaits her turn at the shower.
Everyone knows that if Ethan promises a job will be done on time, it will be, for
he's a man of his word, as dependable as he is kind, the sort of individual who never
disappears with the last ten percent of a project left undone, tiles left ungrouted, for
instance, or closet doors unhung. He's an excellent carpenter, an excellent man all
around; a valued member of the volunteer fire department well known for his fearlessness,
a respected coach who offers more encouragement to some local children than their own
parents do. Most folks who know him would not have thought any less of him had they been
aware that on this day Ethan doesn't show up for work because he's in bed with
his wife, whom he loves desperately, even after thirteen years of marriage, and whom he
still considers to be the most beautiful woman in the Commonwealth.
Jorie had been standing at the sink, washing up the breakfast dishes and staring out
the window with a dreamy expression, when Ethan came to get his keys. He took one look at
her and decided not to leave, no matter what a mess his schedule might become and how late
he'd have to work for the rest of the week. Even the most dependable of men will
stumble every now and then, after all. He'll trip over his own shoes, waylaid by
bumps in the road or circumstances he never expected; he'll throw off the bonds of
both caution and common sense. Fortunately, Jorie and Ethan's son was on his way to
school on this Monday of the last week of sixth grade, for there was nothing that could
have kept Ethan away from Jorie on this day, not when he felt the way he did. He came up
behind her at the sink, and as he'd circled his arms around her and whispered what he
planned to do once he took her back to bed, Jorie laughed, the sort of sweet laughter that
summoned the sparrows from the trees, so that one after another perched on the windowsill,
just to listen, just to be near.
We shouldn't be doing this, Jorie told him. She began to list the reasons
they had to abstain, the many responsibilities facing them on this busy weekday, but even
as she spoke, her tone betrayed her. She was already being drawn into the bedroom,
diverted by her own desire, and she smiled when her husband locked the door.
People in town would not have been surprised to know that Ethan bent to kiss his wife
then, and that she in turn responded as deeply as she had on the night when she met him,
when she was twenty-three and convinced she would never fall in love, not really, not the
way she was supposed to, head over heels, crazy and rash, all or nothing at all. It was
that way for them both even now, though they had a house and a mortgage and a calendar
inky with family obligations, those pot-luck dinners and Little League games, the
intricacies of married life. Their union was a miracle of sorts: they had fallen in love
and stayed there. Thirteen years after they'd met, it seemed as though only an hour
or two had passed since Jorie had spied Ethan at the bar of the Safehouse one foggy
November night, minutes after she and her best friend, Charlotte Kite, had set up a wager
of ten dollars, the prize to be claimed by whoever found herself a sweetheart that night.
And now, on this hot June morning, when the sky is so brilliant and blue and the tree
frogs in the gardens trill as though they were calling birds, Jorie wants Ethan just as
badly as she had on the night she first saw him. She had left her friend Charlotte behind
without even the decency of a proper good-bye, which simply wasn't like her. Jorie
was as prudent as she was kind-hearted, so much so that when her older sister, Anne,
arrived at the Safehouse to see her goody-two-shoes sibling leaving with a stranger, she
ran after the truck, signaling for them to slow down; not that they paid Anne the
slightest bit of attention or listened to her cries to be careful on the icy roads.
Jorie gave Ethan directions to her apartment over on High Street, where she brought him
into her bed before she knew his full name. Certainly, she had never in her life been as
reckless. She was the girl who did everything right and, as Anne would readily complain to
anyone willing to listen, had always been their mother's favorite daughter. Jorie was
the last one anyone would expect to act on impulse, and yet she was driven by what might
have appeared to be a fever. Perhaps this explained why she veered from her normal,
reliable behavior and unlocked her door for a stranger on that cold November night. Ethan
Ford was the handsomest man she had ever seen, but that wasn't the reason she'd
fallen so hard. It was the way he stared at her, as if no one else in the world existed,
it was how sure he was they were meant to be together that had won her over so completely
and effortlessly. She still feels his desire when he looks at her, and every time she
does, she's the same lovestruck girl she was when they met. She's no different
than she'd been on the night when he first kissed her, when he vowed he'd always
been searching for her.
Today, Jorie has once again left her poor friend Charlotte in the lurch, with no
explanations or apologies. Instead of meeting Charlotte to discuss the final weeks of her
marriage to Jay Smith, blessedly over at last, Jorie is kissing her own husband. Instead
of offering comfort and advice, she is here with Ethan, pulling him closer until all the
world outside, all of Maple Street, all of Massachusetts, might as well have disappeared,
every street lamp and apple tree evaporating into the hot and tranquil air. Some people
are fortunate, and Jorie has always been among them, with her luminous smile and all that
yellow hair that reminds people of sunlight even on the coldest winters day when the wind
outside is howling and masses of snow are tumbling down from above.
Whenever Jorie and Ethan are hand in hand, people in town turn and stare, that's
how good they look when they're together, that's how meant for each other they
are. On evenings when Jorie comes to the baseball field at dusk, bringing thermoses of
lemonade and cool water, Ethan always walks right up to her and kisses her, not caring if
all the world looks on. Along the sidelines, people stop what they're doing --- the
mothers gossiping by the bleachers, the dads in the parking lot discussing what tactics
might win them the county championship --- they can't take their eyes off Jorie and
Ethan, who, unlike most couples who have entered into the harsh and difficult realm of
marriage, are still wrapped up in the vast reaches of their own devotion, even now.
It's therefore no surprise to find them in each other's arms on this June
morning, in the season when the first orange lilies bloom along roadsides and lanes. They
make love slowly, without bothering to pull down the shades. The sunlight coursing through
the open window is lemony and sweet; it leaves a luminous grid on the white sheets and a
crisscross of shadow upon their flesh. Next door, Betty Gage, who is nearly eighty and so
deaf she can no longer make out the chattering of wrens nesting in her cherry tree or the
chirrup of the tree frogs, can all the same hear their lovers' moans. She quickly
retreats to her house, doing her best to walk briskly in spite of her bad knees, leaving
behind the phlox and daisies she'd begun to gather in a ragged jumble of petals on
the lawn. Startled by the strains of so much ardor on an ordinary morning, Mrs. Gage turns
her radio to top volume, but even that doesn't drown out those passionate cries, and
before long Betty finds herself thinking of her own dear husband, gone for nearly forty
years, but still a young man when she dreams of him.
Later, Jorie will wonder if she hadn't asked for sorrow on this heavenly day. She
should have been more cautious. She'd been greedy, renouncing restraint, forsaking
all others but the man she loved. Who did she think she was to assume that the morning was
hers to keep, tender hours to spend however she pleased? She was thoughtless, indeed, but
the bees swarming in the garden seemed to be serenading them, the sunlight was a pale and
lasting gold. If only such fleeting moments could continue indefinitely. If only they were
cunning enough to trap time and ensure that this day would never alter, and that
forevermore there'd be only the constant sunlight pouring in and only the two of
them, alone in the world.
Jorie is not ordinarily prideful, but how can she help but see herself in her
husband's eyes? She imagines ancient prehistoric flowers as he moves his hand along
her belly, her spine, her shoulders. The flowers appear behind her eyelids, one by one:
red lily, wood lily, tawny lily, trout lily, each incomparable in its beauty. She listens
to the bees drifting through the hedges outside. If any of the men in town who thought
they knew her, the ones she's been acquainted with since high school, for instance,
the ones she runs into every day at the bakery or the pharmacy or the bank, were able to
look through the window and spy upon her, they would have seen a different woman than the
one they chat with on street corners or sit next to on the bleachers at Little League
games. They would have seen Jorie with the sunlight streaming over her and heat rising up
from her skin. They would have witnessed what true love can do to a woman.
You are everything to me, Ethan tells her on this morning, and maybe that
sentiment was too arrogant and self-absorbed. Assuredly, they were only thinking of
themselves, not of their son on his way to school, or the shades they hadn't bothered
to close, or the neighbor at her window, listening to the sounds of their desire. They
weren't the least bit concerned about the friends they'd kept waiting, Charlotte
Kite, who'd already left the bakery for her doctor's appointment, or Mark Derry,
the plumber, one of Ethan's closest friends, stranded outside the Starks' house
without a key, unable to work without Ethan present to let him in. The phone rings, long
and loud, but Ethan tells Jorie not to answer --- it's only Charlotte, and Jorie can
talk to her anytime. Or it's her sister, Anne, who Jorie is more than happy to avoid.
How often do we get to do this? Ethan asks. He kisses Jorie's throat and
her shoulders, and she doesn't say no, even though it's close to ten
o'clock. How can she deny him, or herself for that matter? Love like this isn't
easy to find, after all, and sometimes Jorie wonders why she was the one who'd been
lucky enough to meet him that night. November in Massachusetts is a despicable and ruinous
month, and Charlotte had needed to talk Jorie into going out for a drink. You have your
whole life to sit around by yourself, if that's what you want to do, Charlotte
had assured her, and so Jorie had grudgingly gone along. She hadn't even bothered to
comb her hair or put on lipstick. She'd been there at the bar, already itching to
leave, when she felt a wave of energy, the way some people say the air turns crackly
before the weather takes a turn, or when a star is about to fall from the sky. She gazed
to her left and she happened to see him, and that was when she knew it was destiny that
had made her trail along after Charlotte on that damp, foggy night. Fate had led her here.
She closes her eyes on this, their stolen morning, and as she lets the phone ring
unanswered, she thinks again of lilies, shimmering on their green stems. She thinks about
the pledges they've made to each other, and about devotion. What she feels for him is
so deep, she aches. She supposes this is what people refer to when they say the pangs of
love, as if your innermost joy cannot help but cause you anguish as well. It is painful
when he leaves her merely to go into the kitchen, where he fixes them iced coffees and
bowls of strawberries from the garden. He loads their breakfast onto a silver tray, a
wedding present from Charlotte, and brings it back to bed for them to enjoy. Jorie still
has never seen a man as handsome as Ethan. He has dark hair and even darker eyes. He
isn't a lawyer cooped up in an office like Barney Stark, whose wife complains that
he's grown fat, or a beer drinker like Mark Derry, who spends most evenings sprawled
out in an easy chair. Ethan uses his body, and the results are evident. When he takes off
his shirt at the baseball field, the women stare at him, then look at each other as if to
say, That's what I wanted, but that's not what I got.
All the same, Ethan is the sort of man who doesn't seem to be aware of his own
good looks. His visits to the gym aren't driven by vanity, but are a necessity for
the work he does as a member of the Monroe Volunteer Fire Department. He needs strength
and stamina, both readily apparent last fall when he climbed onto the roof of the
McConnells' house, long before many of his fellow volunteers had gotten out of their
trucks. That particular fire had started in a pan of bacon, but by the time the first
volunteers arrived, it was burning through the house, one of those sly, scarlet infernos
that moves with unexpected speed. There was so much smoke that day, the white
chrysanthemums outside Hannah's Coffee Shoppe turned gray and remained that way for
the rest of the season; frogs in the shallows of the lake began to dig themselves into the
dirt, ready to hibernate, misreading the ashes falling from above for an early dusting of
snow.
When it became clear that the regulation ladder wouldn't reach the
McConnells' little girl's window, Ethan had taken matters into his own hands.
From his perch on the roof, he went on; he pulled himself across the shingles and over the
peak, then went in through the window. Outside, the crowd watched as though bewitched. Not
a word was said after Ethan disappeared through the window, especially not after the
flames rose up, a burst of heat circling into the clotted gray sky. Ethan found the child
hiding in her closet, and it was a lucky thing he'd been so nimble scaling the roof,
for the girl hadn't more than a few minutes left before she would have begun to
suffocate. By the time Ethan carried her out of the house, half the town was gathered on
the lawn below, holding their breaths, inhaling smoke, blinking the soot from their eyes.
It's no wonder that people in Monroe adore Ethan Ford. Why, even Jorie's
sister, Anne, who on most occasions cannot find a nice word to say about anyone, is
surprisingly well-behaved in his presence. There's rarely a time when Ethan walks
down Front Street and some child he once coached doesn't lean out a car window in
order to shout his name and wave. The parents are just as pleased to see him; they honk
their horns and switch their headlights on and off in a show of appreciation. Warren Peck,
the bartender at the Safehouse and a courageous volunteer fireman himself, refuses to let
Ethan pay for his own drinks, and why shouldn't he be grateful? Ethan was the first
on the scene when Warren's nephew Kyle's Chrysler LeBaron caught on fire in the
parking lot of Lantern Lake, with sweet-tempered Kyle sleeping it off in the front seat,
sure to have been burned alive if not for Ethan's intervention. The senior center,
where Ethan serves Thanksgiving dinner each year before coming home to celebrate the
holiday with his family, still has a banner up in the rec room: Three Cheers for Ethan.
Ethan himself would have already torn down that banner if the very idea didn't chill
some of the seniors to their bones, for the residents of the center sleep better with the
knowledge that Ethan is watching over them.
He is truly an extraordinary person in many ways, even in the eyes of his wife. Jorie
Ford gazes at her husband the way another woman might appraise the sunrise, with equal
amounts of familiarity and awe. She had wished their son would resemble Ethan, but Collie
Ford is pale and fine-featured, like his mother, with blond hair and blue eyes and a
sweet, cautious nature. Collie is cool where his father is hot, easy-going and, at twelve,
tall for his age. Still, he's shy in spite of his parents' love and support;
he's prone to let other boys edge right past him, at school and on the playing field,
even though he has more brains and talent; it makes no difference that he's bigger
and stronger; he's content to remain on the sidelines. He's an A student happy
with Bs, an outfielder who should be pitching, too good-natured, it sometimes seems, for
the deceptions and the difficulties of those who excel in the world.
You know what his problem is? Ethan says as they lie in bed on this morning with
the window shades drawn up and the bees in the garden drifting over blooming roses and
phlox. Jorie is eating a strawberry and it has turned her mouth red. You baby him.
Oh, please. Jorie laughs. You're just jealous. You want me to baby you.
That's true. Ethan slides his hand between her legs and she feels those
pangs begin. Baby me, he tells her, so near that every word burns. Give me what
I want.
Jorie thinks of lily of the valley, hyacinths, star-of-Bethlehem. She thinks of the
night they had made Collie, a starry August evening at Charlotte's family's
vacation house at Squam Lake. Jorie is sure her son was conceived there because a big
white moon rose into the sky, a lantern in all that darkness, and she had cried when they
made love. Afterward, she had stood out on the porch while Ethan slept and as she searched
out the first summer star, she'd made a wish that things would never change between
them.
I have to get going, Jorie says now, pushing him away. She feels absolutely
derelict to still be in bed at this hour. I'm so late, Charlotte will kill me.
Jorie rises and stands squarely in the sunlight, her long hair turning from gold to
platinum. She has never lived anywhere but Monroe, nor would she want to, even though this
is a town in which there are more apple trees than there are houses. She had once believed
she could predict exactly how her life would turn out, but then she met Ethan. There were
several local boys who'd been after her, and she'd imagined that someday
she'd give in and marry one of them. She still feels sheepish when she runs into Rick
Moore, who she dated all through college. But bygones are bygones, and Rick himself is
married now, with two boys of his own, and he teaches over at the middle school, science
and health. Why, Collie will probably be in his class next year. There are no hard
feelings, and when they meet accidentally, on Front Street or at the annual Little League
barbecue at the end of the season, Rick and Jorie are always polite; they hug each other
and pretend that neither one remembers the way Rick cried when Jorie broke up with him.
Time has drifted by lazily, and Jorie is amazed to see just how late it is. There
won't be much headway on the Starks' construction today; no plumbing will be
installed and no measurements for the new tub will be taken. By now Mark Derry has grown
tired of waiting and has decided to leave a note for Ethan on the back door. Hey,
asshole --- where the hell were you? is the message Sophie Stark, aged twelve, will
find tacked up when she gets home from school.
In point of fact, Ethan is getting dressed at the very moment Mark Derry is pounding
his missive into place, using a nail he'd found in the dirt, used to add iron to the
soil and encourage the hydrangeas to turn a deep indigo. Ethan Ford has never been one to
rush, not even when he's late. He takes his time and knows what he wants. He believes
it's his duty to live his life in the right way, and he never grouses when emergency
calls come in on cold, icy nights. If he's old-fashioned, so be it. He figures he
owes something to his neighbors. He has never once turned down a friend when asked for a
loan; Mark Derry and Warren Peck both know from personal experience that when Ethan writes
a check he doesn't even ask what the advance is for. Trying to thank him for all the
good he's done is another matter entirely. He flatly refused a public ceremony after
he'd rescued the McConnell girl, which would have greatly pleased the mayor, Ed Hill,
who's always looking for a chance to promote his own favorite cause: a third term in
office. Ethan is known for the sort of conviction only a man who's been blessed can
possess. What can he want, when there's nothing he's lacking? Why should he rush
through this life, when he's lucky enough to have everything that he needs? He runs
one hand through his dark hair now as he gets ready, without bothering to look in the
mirror. He knows who he is, after all. Lucky as a man can be, that's Ethan. Lucky,
through and through.
Outside the window, the last milky petals from Mrs. Gage's cherry tree are aloft
in the air, weaving through the blue light, settling on rooftops and lawns. Jorie has gone
into the kitchen to fill a thermos with lemonade to ensure that Ethan will have a cool
drink to enjoy later in the day, when the sun is high and the heat is all but unbearable
as he carts old cabinets out of the Howards' kitchen. Jorie smiles at what is already
becoming a memory of how impulsive they've been today. She is the sort of woman who
doesn't need to tell her most private business, not even to her best friend. She has
never been tempted to admit to Charlotte that she always thinks of lilies when she and
Ethan are in bed. Sometimes, at the height of their passion, she opens her eyes and is
amazed to find white sheets and walls rather than the vivid fields she's imagined,
brilliant with orange and yellow, as if sunlight itself had been caught behind her eyes.
Someone once told Jorie that plants you least expected were members of the lily family,
asparagus, for instance, and onions, both of which she plans to add to her garden, a large
patch of earth in the backyard. Jorie doesn't like to boast, but her garden is
perhaps the best in town, yielding bushels of beans every year, and fire-red tomatoes, and
such generous amounts of blueberries that Jorie often grants her neighbors free rein to
pick as much as they'd like for jams and jellies and pies.
Jorie is thinking about her garden, how pretty asparagus plants will be against the
fence, how faithful onions are once they take hold, when she hears someone at the front
door. Right away she thinks something's odd. It must be a stranger come to call,
because everyone knows the Fords always use the kitchen door, which opens to the driveway
and the garden. The postman, Bill Shannon, brings their mail around the back, and even Kat
Willams, Collie's friend from down the block, knows not use the front entrance.
I'll get it, baby, Ethan says. He's come into the kitchen, to grab his
key ring, stopping only to reach into the cookie jar for some petty cash he'll use to
buy lunch at Hannah's later in the day. He looks happy as he heads for the hall.
Jorie hears him open the door, and then she hears nothing. The silence is unnatural.
It's as if Jorie has been thrown headfirst into the cold embrace of the sea and water
fills her ears. Rattled, she drops the coffee cup she was about to refill, but she
doesn't hear it break on the hardwood floor. She just leaves it there, in pieces, and
hurries down the hall. She's moving through water, drowning in green waves. There are
some people who insist that every time one door closes, another door opens, but this
isn't always the case. There are doors that are meant to stay closed, ones that lead
to rooms filled with serpents, rooms of regret, rooms that will blind you if you dare to
raise your eye to the keyhole in all innocence, simply to see what's inside.
Jorie takes note of the way he's standing at their own front door, her husband,
Ethan, whom she loves more than anything in this world. He's so rigid, anyone would
think he's been shot. She glimpses the other men who have gathered on the porch, and
as she recognizes them, local men one and all, she wants time to stop, then and there. She
is reminded of another summer's day, when she wasn't more than eight years old;
it was a hazy afternoon, and she'd climbed one of the apple trees in the orchard that
was then behind her mother's house, acres of Baldwins and McIntoshes and delectable
Empires, known for their delicate pink blossoms. She looked up at the sky, mesmerized by
the thick, lazy white clouds, and for a minute she truly believed she could reach up and
take all that she saw into her arms. She had wanted heaven for herself; she was greedy and
hopeful in equal measure, convinced she could have anything her heart desired, if only
she'd grab for it.
When she fell, she was reaching out for those clouds, but there was nothing between
herself and the earth save the pale and heedless air. She broke her leg in two places, and
she still remembers the pure shock of falling to earth, the foul taste of her own blood in
her mouth as she bit through her lip. It was the season when the orange lilies appear in
Monroe, wildly, randomly, in every ditch and thoroughfare, as it is again now. All these
years later, Jorie still tastes blood when the day lilies bloom, and here, in the doorway
to her own living room, on this fair and glorious day, she knows why she's never
chosen to grow any of those lilies beside her own door, no matter how beautiful they might
be. They only last for a single day, and then, no matter what a person might do to save
them, they are fated, by God, or circumstance, or nature, to fade away.
Excerpted from BLUE DIARY © Copyright 2001 by Alice Hoffman. Reprinted with permission by Berkley Pub Group, an imprint of Penguin Putnam. All rights reserved.
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