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Author Biographies |
Review |
Excerpt
Hardcover
Villard ISBN: 9780345503701 A LAUGH-OUT-LOUD PARODY: AN ILLUSTRATED GUIDE FOR --- AND BY ---DOGS, UNLOCKING THE MYSTERIES OF DOGHOOD AND TEACHING THEM HOW TO DO THE VERY ACTIVITIES THAT HUMAN SOCIETY SAYS ARE WRONG. THE DANGEROUS BOOK FOR DOGS asks a simple question: isn't there more to being a dog than wearing a mini cashmere sweater and riding around in a $400 evening clutch? What about the simple pleasures of life --- feeling the wind in your fur, digging up the grass beneath your paws, smelling another dog's butt? Isn't that part of the great joy of being a dog? Written (with help) by dogs and for dogs, THE DANGEROUS BOOK FOR DOGS provides insight on everything from the tastiest styles of shoes to chew to the proper method for terrorizing squirrels. It also contains portraits of noble dogs throughout history, the mysteries of cats and humans, and everything else your dog ever wanted to know but was afraid to ask --- like how to make toys out of human's household items, or how to escape from a humiliating reindeer costume. Generously illustrated with drawings by cartoonist Emily Flake, this hilarious parody is for good dogs, bad dogs, and the millions of people who love them. Rex and Sparky wrote this parody without authorization (because they are dogs and they do what they want.) 
Joe Garden is the features editor for The Onion. He is also the coauthor of Citizen You! Helping Your Government Help Itself and a writer for the forthcoming PBS educational cartoon "Word Girl." He currently resides in Brooklyn with his wife, Anita Serwacki, and had two dogs in his childhood, Phoebe and Sojourn.
Janet Ginsburg has worked as a field producer on "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," and is a former staff writer for The Onion. She has also written or produced programs for the Discovery, Sci-Fi, and E! Entertainment channels, and her work appears in publications such as Vibe, Blender, and the LA Weekly. She has known and loved countless dogs, including Pogo, Aldo, Missy, and Bucks. She lives in Brooklyn. Chris Pauls is a contributing writer for The Onion. He lives in Middleton, Wisconsin. Anita Serwacki is a contributing writer for The Onion and a writer for the PBS animated series "Word Girl." She is also a DJ in New York City and served as music supervisor on the documentary The Kid Stays in the Picture. Anita grew up with an awesome Husky named Nyack who was a pro at escaping fenced-in areas, but who learned to ring the doorbell to get back in the house. She currently lives in Brooklyn with her husband and co-writer, Joe Garden. Scott Sherman is a contributing writer for The Onion and a staff writer for its online video channel, The Onion News Network. He has also written for the New York Times Magazine’s Funny Pages and the A&E television network. He lives in New York City with his hound mix, Ella. Emily Flake is an illustrator, cartoonist, and author. She is the creator of the cartoon strip Lulu Eightball, which runs in altweeklies across the country, as well as the author of the book These Things Ain’t Gonna Smoke Themselves. She lives in Brooklyn with a man almost, but not quite, fuzzy enough to be a puppy. She likes boxing and knitting and pie. Click here now to buy this book from Amazon.com. 
Whether you consider yourself to be a dog person or a cat person, you are bound to enjoy the humor and love of animals that abound in this hilarious guide for dogs. And, since even the smartest breeds don't usually read, it will be up to you, the human, to read this and help your canine recapture the joys of doghood.
Joe Garden is the features editor for The Onion. He, along with co-writers Janet Ginsburg, Chris Pauls, Anita Serwacki and Scott Sherman, have put their considerable talents together and written a parody on THE DANGEROUS BOOK FOR BOYS. Now, it’s been my experience that parodies are at their best when one is familiar with the work that is being parodied. I’m sorry to say that I had never heard of THE DANGEROUS BOOK FOR BOYS, a mixture of nostalgia and reminiscences about what it meant to be a boy “back in the day.” It was also a plea for fathers, sons and uncles not to lose the magic and the skills that made boyhood memorable for generations of young men. THE DANGEROUS BOOK FOR BOYS covered the essentials of growing up in the “good old days”: building forts, skimming stones, building go-carts, making walkie-talkies with paper cups and string. So, when you pick up a copy of THE DANGEROUS BOOK FOR DOGS: A Parody by Rex & Sparky, you will easily understand why there are chapters that remind dogs what it really means to be a dog. Rex and Sparky deftly cover such vanishing skills as “Foul Smells Every Dog Should Roll In” and “The Formal Rules of Fetch.” Take your dog aside and read him the chapters on “Things You Chase” and “Poop: An Indelicate Discussion.” You will both be better for having been given these insights. In this age when many dogs have never known the joys of doghood, it is encouraging to find that there are fellow dogs who are eager to reignite that inner pup with their tales of famous canine heroes and their prodding toward daily adventures that make life worth living. Rex and Sparky also share their wisdom regarding pitfalls and embarrassments that might spoil otherwise happy dog days. These include “How to Escape Humiliating Costumes” and a serious exposition on “Cats.” The authors write, “Even if you have never seen a cat, you have heard the stories. They have nine lives. They poop in a box. They stare at you constantly. They fly when you aren’t looking.” This is all the information about cats that a young dog needs to know. The writing is lively, humorous and will keep your interest whether or not you have read the book that is being parodied. And the illustrations by Emily Flake add to the overall fun and enlightenment. --- Reviewed by Maggie Harding, a substance abuse counselor in Phoenix, AZ who wanted to be Brenda Starr before life intervened. She reviews for www.bookreporter.com, www.faithfulreader.com and Living Light News. To contact Maggie, e-mail Magster2@cox.net. 
A Parody By Rex and Sparky Chapter 1 Things You Can Chase Nothing breaks up the monotony of a boring day quite like a good chase. It’s great exercise, excellent practice for mouth-eye coordination, and really, really fun. Chasing is also an ancient ritual of our species that directly led to many important cultural advancements, including fetch, bird-dogging, and even doggy-paddling. In practice, you can chase anything that moves: remote-control cars, toddlers, cats, imagined things — the list goes on and on. In order to keep the list manageable, we’ve only included the best inanimate chasing objects. We’ve left animals off this list to cover in greater detail later. Rules The golden rule of chasing is to never take your eye off the chase thingee. Doing so will make you aware of all the other things around you that you could also be chasing, and you know what you end up catching when you try to chase two things at once? Nothing. And not catching something you are chasing is no fun, especially if what you’re chasing is capable of laughing at you. Frisbee Of all the things you can chase, the Frisbee is the most entertaining. It seems to just hover in midair like a bird, but it’s much easier to catch because it eventually comes down. You’ll find that they’re remarkably easy to sink your teeth into when you catch one. When your owner tries to reclaim it, don’t let it go until the last possible moment. Caution: A Frisbee’s trajectory can waver, wobble, and turn abruptly once airborne, depending on the wind and/or how much your owner throws like a girl. Never trust a Frisbee until it is firmly in your mouth, or else it is liable to quickly change course and smack you in the head. Balls The ball comes in two fun shapes: round and oval. Unlike a Frisbee, a ball tends to move erratically once it hits the ground, just like an animal. Great! Get a good sense of your terrain in order to anticipate the path a ball might take. For reasons dogs do not understand, balls seem to favor rolling down hills rather than rolling up them. The oval balls are hard to grab hold of unless they are made of soft foam, in which case you can really go to town and rip them to pieces. Round rubber or tennis balls bounce longer, and you can even catch them in mid-bounce! Sticks Sticks are just small pieces of tree, but they hold a very special place in dog-human history, as many believe they were the first objects thrown to canines by man. However, they aren’t designed to travel very far. Mostly, they are good for playing fetch (see the chapter entitled “The Formal Rules of Fetch”). Just be cautious. There are some sticklike objects that move and might even bite you. Remember this rule: If it tries to bite you, it is not a stick. It is a snake. Do not grab a snake. Your Tail The great thing about your tail is that it is always there, ready for a good time. Even when you are in trouble for licking the meatloaf and no one will play with you, your tail is up for being chased. It sits behind you, wagging, just asking you to go after it. If you are a breed that has a short tail, no tail, or you had a tail and then lost it, this is obviously a challenge. In this case, you can substitute “rump” for “tail,” even though it doesn’t quite wag the same. The question then is whether you can catch it or not. The answer is that it doesn’t matter. In this case, the thrill is in the chase. And the chase is awesome. Cars PLEASE NOTE: This is for advanced chasers only. You can not, nor should you, actually catch a car. They are terribly heavy, extremely uncooperative, and may actually cause you harm. That said, there’s nothing more exciting than the feeling of running after a car. They are so fast and noisy! If one should actually stop and open the door for you, take stock of the situation. If you recognize the person as friendly, then by all means, get in that car! Treats Obviously, if your owner throws one of these, don’t bring it back to him. He’ll think something’s wrong with you. A Special Note on Fake Throws: Owners who fake-throw things for their own enjoyment are mean. If you are unfamiliar with the trick, here’s how it works. Your owner will show you something extremely chasable, like a really nice ball. He will wave it in front of you until you are ready to rip it out of his hands, no matter what the consequences. Once he knows that he has your attention, he cocks his arm back like he is going to throw it, only he doesn’t actually let it go. This can lead to feelings of confusion and fear. You wonder: Where did the ball go? Is it chasing you now? Once you figure out his trick, you should do all you can to condition him not to do it again by standing still and staring at him with your tongue hanging out. Eventually, he will feel bad and stop trying to fool you. Begging A Primer NO.” It’s an ugly word, one we’ve all heard countless times before — whether we’re jumping on a bed, tearing into a box of doughnuts, or vigorously humping the leg of a visiting Chinese ambassador. But who among us wishes to heed it? And, quite simply —why should we? Nowhere do we hear this word more often than at the dinner table. Begging ranks just below bowl feeding and above trash digging as a chief method of food procurement, but it requires a far more elaborate technique. If done correctly, it can yield a tasty morsel of man food. As such, it is broadly frowned upon by owners, who think of begging as a lowly and undignified way to comport yourself. Nothing could be further from the truth. If you are living in a home where begging is taboo, do not let that discourage you. Nothing short of banishment from the dining room should stop you, particularly if you are at a fancy party honoring the Chinese ambassador and there are cocktail wieners. There are many styles, methods, and schools of thought as to the most successful methods of begging. Dogs have debated this topic for ages, but, in the end, you must find the style that suits you best. Regardless of which style you choose, here are a few guidelines to follow. CORRECT FORM Posture Is your head erect? Is your back straight? Are you seated comfortably enough to maintain this position throughout a five-course dinner? Eyes Many a meal is won or lost with a trick of the eyes. You may choose a docile, desperate, or hopeful look, but whichever you choose, be sure to maintain eye contact with your owner. You are hypnotizing him. He must look directly into your eyes. He is under your control. He will give you the porterhouse. He will . . . give . . . you . . . the porterhouse. For best results, do not blink. Ever. Ears Your body doesn’t stop at the top of your head, and neither should your technique. Always follow through with your ears. Floppy ears should extend out to the sides as much as possible. Pointed ears should remain high and sharp. Remember, good posture starts in the ears and ends in the toes. Use every inch in between to your advantage. BE WATCHFUL Eye contact is key, but do not be so focused on getting food directly from your owner that you miss an errant morsel that falls to the ground. While technically a table scrap, and not the direct result of begging, food falling in your line of sight is fair game. Move quickly, before it gets tossed in the garbage. BE PATIENT, BE PERSISTENT Begging often boils down to nothing more than a battle of wills, so you must persevere at all costs. Sometimes an unresponsive owner can be worn down with little more than a gentle nudge, a friendly pant, or a soulful, uninterrupted stare. Even the most experienced beggars among us have moments when we want to give up. It’s times like these that you need to ask yourself a question: Which is stronger? An owner’s will? Or your desire for a succulent pork chop? Look deep into your stomach—you will find the answer. STICK WITH PROVEN TECHNIQUE Has it worked before? Then it WILL work again! If you have heard a “no” but seen a “yes,” if you have been called a “bad dog” but moments later had a piece of teriyaki chicken in your mouth—whatever you did was perfect, and will work again. And if it doesn’t? . . . TRY SOMETHING NEW If you’re not getting anywhere, and the dinner is disappearing quickly, try out a new technique. Put your paw on someone’s lap, try your luck with the youngest person at the table, stand on your hind legs, or cock your head that way you do. Whatever you choose, keep an open mind. You never know what’s gonna work until you try. Here are a few suggestions that have been proven to bring home the bacon: Playing the Pound Puppy We’ve all got a sad story to tell, if we only stop to think about it. A long-lost favorite chew toy. A night where you didn’t get fed until 11 p.m. That time you got kicked out of bed. Whatever your sob story is, you can turn it into cold hard treats. Just be sure it’s something your owner feels guilty about. Then chew on those heartstrings until things are in your favor. Feigning injury It’s easy to goad your owner into handing over that andouille sausage. Mope around the house, add a slight limp to your gait, and you’ll be eating from the table in no time. Be careful not to overdo it. Anything too theatrical or hammy and they’ll sense that you’re faking it. You want to be convincing in a way that doesn’t warrant too much concern, so don’t fake anything too serious. The last thing you need is a surprise trip to the vet during the dinner hour. An injured paw is always plausible and usually easy to pull off. Reverse Psychology This technique is brilliant and rewarding but difficult to employ. Say an entire roast turkey with dressing appears on the dinner table. You promptly trot out of the room, go find a toy, and pretend that you would rather be doing anything, anything at all, besides eating that delicious turkey that you don’t even really care to taste. Act as if delicious, golden-brown turkey bores you to tears, and that you cannot wait for your owners to be done with their totally uninteresting tenderly roasted dinner with all the trimmings. Believe it or not, they will wonder where you are, and why you aren’t there begging at the table. Then they will come find you and feed you. That’s right—they will bring the food to you. Reverse psychology is a simple, effective tool that works wonders. Unfortunately, many dogs find it physically impossible. It’s worth a try, though. If you have the discipline, this one pays off big time. While the time and energy invested in learning and executing begging techniques is high, the effort is low—and the payoff, rich and buttery. Remember: Stay strong, stay fast, and stay put. Your owner loves you. Your owner is weak. Your owner will fold. Excerpted from The Dangerous Book for Dogs Copyright © 2007 by Action 5, LLC. Excerpted by permission of Ballantine Books, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. Click here now to buy this book from Amazon.com. |
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